Today, most porn performers make the majority of their money not by filming big scenes with big studios, but by interacting with fans, whether by camming, making custom clips on commission, operating premium fan clubs, or selling access to their phone numbers or other forms of contact, alongside dozens of other hustles. And they have to be on social media constantly promoting their content and cultivating a loyal fan base. Many production houses actually choose who to work with based on the number of Twitter followers a given performer hasin other words, how many fans they can sell content to, says 20-year industry vet James Bartholet.
The result is that it's now easier than it has ever been for the average Joe to interact with porn stars. But the nature of these increasingly frequent fan engagements is not always stellar, numerous performers tell Men's Health.
In person, fans will be more reserved, Darcie Dolce says. But onlinewith anonymity, distance, and very little cost to venting whatever is on their mindsfans can easily slip over into crude, insulting, often downright dehumanizing language and behavior, which can be grueling for stars to endure.
In the interest of helping fans step up and make the digital space more comfortable for the folks they get off to, we recently reached out to around 30 major adult stars who regularly engage with fans to put together a definitive guide to talking to adult entertainers in the digital sphere.
First, some of fans' most common mistakes:
Every performer agreed that fans seem to forget they are actual people with livesnot just sexual beings. "[They] assume I will fuck anybody and everybody, says Ember Snow, adding that fans feel entitled to randomly blurt out things like I want to cram my dick down your throat." Jessy Dubai says fans start unloading their personal fantasies of how they want a star to have sex with them"like its something I want to hear. Fans send so many unsolicited dick pics via Twitter and Instagram that some stars just give up on checking their DMs, says Mischievous Kitty.
This constant, aggressive sexual engagement is doubly insulting, says Ginger Banks, as it's clear many fans are trying to use free contact with performers to get themselves worked up, and hopefully to get off. As a sexual artist, them getting off for free is one thing I want to avoid, she saysespecially when so much of her content is already free and she needs to make money as she can.
Its not as if fans never do this kind of thing in person, Banks admits. There will be fans at conventions where, Im talking about casual things and theyll say, so how many gallons of semen do you think youve eaten?" She adds, "You can see them start readjusting their pants."
Desperate for attention from their favorite star, Addie Andrews notes that far too many fans try to solicit a response from me by triggering me emotionally, saying intentionally brutal, over-the-line things just to get enough of a rise out of her that she will respond. Banks says that if you reply to them, theyll say, Look, it worked! Youre interacting with me! I love you." This is just twisted.
Proper etiquette differs by platform.
It's hard to give hard and fast advice on how to interact with adult performers online, because different platforms come with different expectations. Twitter and Instagram are mostly for performers to advertise themselves, build their brands, or post entirely non-sexual details about their lives, says Richelle Ryan; on those platforms, "it is better for a fan to be less sexually graphic and more socialinteract, comment, support, and re-tweet." DMs on these platforms should be reserved for business deals and transactions, Brandi Love says.
However, on platforms fans are actually paying to use like the subscription adult social media platform OnlyFans , or texting services like SexPantherperformers are more inclined to engage with fans more directly and more often, explains Andrews. They will also often tolerate more overtly sexual comments and conversations, adds Dubai. But even if you're paying for an erotic servicelike on a cam siteyou're not entitled to all of a performers time. There could be hundreds of other people paying for attention at any given moment, so there is still a cap on much of a stars time they can monopolize, or how publicly lurid they can get, explains Genevieve LaFleur.
Every performer draws slightly different lines on every platform, says LittleRedBunny, a major cam performer (but not a porn star). Snow, for instance, will not tolerate any conversation in any context that stars off with hey sexysomething other performers dont mind. Kitty likes every interaction to be straight to the point, while others appreciate some build-up and casual chatting.
The key takeaway is this: Never make assumptions about what is or is not allowed. Always check to see if a platform or performer has posted rules of conduct. When in doubt, ask other fans or the performer in question.
Remember, adult performers are human.
So you should treat them the way you treat anyone else you encounter. Would any decent human being walk up to a woman at work or a coffee shop and say to her face, Youre hot; I want to fuck your ass? No!
Remember, treating a performer with respect and empathy doesn't close off the possibility of a sexualized conversation with them. If someone is posting about sex and porn, feel free to comment back about sex and porn, says Bunny Colby. Kenzie Reeves likes it when fans engage with erotic posts by or about her, tagging her and pointing out exactly what they like about that content. She sees it as a compliment to her workas long as the fan comments are positive.
Once a sexual comment is made or dialogue begins, start low and go slow. Rather than launching into dirty talking, or hashing out detailed scripts for what youd like a performer to do with you or on screen, start with relatively neutral descriptions of what you like about a performer or one of their scenes. It is hard to draw a clear line about what is and is not okay to say, admits Andrews, so you might accidentally overstep. If a step isnt reciprocated or appreciated, just back off. As Misty Stone puts it, allow womenor any other gender of performerto place that line. Then follow their lead.
If you overstep too often, some performers might block you, ignore you, or ask you to pay money, Stone adds.
Even on paid platforms where one has exchanged cash for explicit engagement, there are still limits on what you should bring up. Whether theyre camming, making custom videos, or just chatting, performers still have their professional limits, explains Riley Reyes. Some models dont like taboo role play, she sayslike fauxcest. Others dont like being dominated. If youre not sure what theyre willing to do or talk about online, then the answer is always to ask. If they arent into something you want them to be, it is never acceptable to try to shame, bribe, or otherwise pressure them into it.
You should also never insult or complain about a performer, Reyes adds. (Unless, say, a performer took your cash for the explicit purpose of making a custom film, then never delivered it to you and is unresponsive to check-ins. Then theres room for a neutral bad business complaintbut still not for personal slander or physical critique.)
FYI, most stars agree that sending dick pics without asking first is a universal no-no.
Finally, respect the fact that adult performers are busy. Interacting with fans is part of the job, but if I just sent a heart to everyone on Twitter who said Im beautiful, Id never be off of my phone, Andrews says. Even on camming platformswhere a live back-and-forth is a key drawunless you pay a premium for a one-on-one session, a performer will have many other people to respond to, she adds.
It is okay to want deeper conversation or more time with someone. But you have to earn that time, because there are a lot of people competing for it, Andrews explains. You can earn that by slowly building a rapport with a performer over time.
How to stand out and build a rapport:
One of the easiest steps a fan can take to earn a few points with most performers, LitteRedBunny suggests, is making sure that all of their interactions are polite and well-crafted. Which is to say, resume-writing rules apply when youre talking to adult performers online: Show them that youve clearly put some time and effort into a communication, that youre treating them with the respect youd pay to anyone else in your everyday life, by affording them common courtesies. A number of stars Ive spoken to also value good grammar and a lack of slang as a sign of time and respect.
Never send a message that just says, Hey, says LaFleur. Thats a good indication you have not put time or thought into reaching outthat you want performers to put in effort to engage with you. Spend a little bit of time coming up with something personalized yet respectful to say. Show your support on social media as well, suggests Andrewsyou could even hype your favorite performer to production companies and request shoots with them.
Fans often get bonus points with performers if they compliment their acting talent or personality rather than how hot they are or how well they get it on. People who say, 'Youre so funny' are the ones I like to follow back, says Banksthe ones who see her, not just her body parts.
A girl who gets asked about anal sex all day will absolutely light up if you want to chat about her favorite video game or her new art project, Reyes adds. Some performers even appreciate it when their fans share bits and details of their own live, like a funny and non-sexual selfie.
But don't try to dig deep into a performers personal life beyond what they put online themselves, Dubai stresses. That gets into stalker territory, and far too many performers have had scary experiences with men posting their home addresses online, or sharing details about how they followed them around at a convention sight unseen. Even genuine interest that reaches too far into a performers private life can read as hostile and harassing. You dont want to make a performer go from feeling loved to feeling scared for their life, Dubai says.
As long as you dont cross that lineor any others mentioned abovethen most performers truly love to hear from or engage with their fans. This is one of my favorite aspects of working in the adult industry, says Roxie Rae.
It can be validating and fun, mutually supportive and meaningful. It can even lead to real friendships here and there. Just so long as that engagement is built on respect.