Somehow men and friendships had become a whole thing, and to understand how and why it had become a whole thing, you need to look at the most famous and widely circulated data on the subject. It comes from something called the General Social Survey , which polled more than a thousand Americans back in 2004 and presented two distressing trends: The social networks of men and women had each shrunk by about a third since 1985, with both genders saying they had about two close friends; and there was a huge increase in social isolation, particularly among young white men.
Social isolation is no joke, with countless studies linking it to higher mortality rates, higher risks of dementia, and higher incidence of cardiovascular disease. (A 2015 study out of Brigham Young University found that lonely and isolated people could see their life expectancy fall by about 30 percent.) It is, quite literally, a killer, and Ive made myself especially vulnerable. Ive moved towns twice in the past two years, each time starting fresh without knowing a single person, and Ive spent a lot of quiet nights home aloneor, like, grocery shopping or watching way too much Netflixwondering what people in my new town, the ones with actual friends, were doing. (Having fun together, probably. Or at least not feeling lonely.) Ive lost count of how many times Ive stood on the periphery of a group of guys bullshitting effortlessly, the way that real friends do, and cursing myself for being so shy and awkward around new people. See? Sad! And also potentially fatal.
So I did what any rational, sane, not-at-all-worried-about-dying-sooner-and-alone person would do. I interviewed a dozen sociologists, psychologists, anthropologists, and bona fide authorities about what it means to make and keep a friend today. I read hundreds of pages of studies, reports, and academic papers on how guys build and maintain their social networks. And then I commissioned my very own online survey to assess what kind of friend I am. I randomly selected about 70 people from my contact list, sent them ten multiple-choice questions from Survey Monkey, and promised them total anonymity in exchange for some brutally honest feedback. Id met all of them through work or school or just being a sentient, social human being, and I started with a simple questionDo you consider me a friend?and went a little deeper from there. (Given the anonymity, I dont know who answered and what they said, but more than one contact friend?emailed me right back with some combination of WTF and Are you okay? Do you need to talk?)
Through all my poking and prodding and surveying, I learned a lot about how men (including me, and probably you) make and keep friends. Like: All that stuff about men having no friends and being more socially isolated than women? Mostly wrong. And: You probably shouldnt consider your wife your best friend, and our wives and girlfriends and partners maybe didnt really mean it when they asked us to share our hopes and dreams and frustrations and fears with them. And: Friends are great, and therapists are great, but theyre not the same thing. And maybe most important: Theres no one right way to make or keep or be a friend, and like everything else in our lives, its probably something that most of us could get a little better at.
THERE'S SOME GOOD news/bad news going on here. Yes, one out of four people who call me a friend right now say its probably not going to last through the Ivanka Trump administration, which sort of makes me sad. But then, when I see that Ive made half of all my current friends in the past ten years, Im reminded that friends are a renewable resource. Things change, people change, and friends will fall in and out of your life. And the only thing stopping you from making new ones is you.
So how can I (or any of us) make new friends, or improve our existing friendships, moving forward? I can start by doing what Ive heard many single people refer to as putting myself out thereby signaling and telling others that I want to be their friend. Its hard for men to pick up the phone or send a text and say, Hey, I want to see you. It's a little embarrassing to want someone else in that way, says Schwartz. But then I look back on how I made friends as a kidand how I see my nine-year-old son doing it nowand it usually all starts with a simple question: Do you want to play? It really doesnt have to get more complicated than that, guys.
Once youve made those connections, make plans, and then make more plans, and then keep making plans, and, most important, do not bail. Basketball games. Book clubs. Running clubs. Anything that brings you together with someone(s) on a semi-regular basis. Rather than just assuming that you will get together with a friend, you need to plan it, says Schwartz. Thats the biggest change that people can make that can make friendships flourish. If you have a regular way of doing something together and have it become an automatic part of your life, that will grow and grow rich connections. There is something important and powerful about that.
And when youre hanging out, if you want to talk about something heavy or serious, be mindful of how much youre divulging and what youre expecting from the other person. Read the room and share accordingly. If we all have a couple of relationships in which we feel we are actually known by the other person, says Schwartz, we all feel better.
And for the love of Joey and Ross and Chandler, avoid the temptation to treat the other person as your therapistits not their job to solve your problems or help you deal with your stuff. We should all aim for that sweet spot where we enjoy close relationships without getting too weighed down by taking on other people's problems too strongly, says Rose. Their job, and your job, is simple: to be a friend.