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Dear Sexplain It,
I had been very casually seeing this woman for about a month before the pandemic (I think there were four dates, and we started having sex on the second). When everything shut down due to COVID-19, she asked me to be exclusive. Even though I didn't really see us going anywhere long-term, I agreed, because I figured I wouldn't be able to date or see anyone else during this time. So, might as well, ya know? It would be nice to have someone around while the world goes to shit.
She ended up spending a lot of time at my place. We supported each other when things got tough, we had a lot of solid sex, but the whole time she thought we were building our relationship, I was getting more and more guilty about using her. Now she really likes me and is excited about finally introducing me to her friends IRL. Meanwhile, now that things are opening up again, I just want to be done with her.
I feel bad for using her to help get me through this tough time and then suddenly disposing of her. Am I an asshole for breaking up with her now that the world is opening up?
COVID Cuffing
Dear COVID Cuffing,
Oh, youre definitely an asshole. You never should have agreed to be COVID partners when you clearly weren't on the same page about what you wanted out of the arrangement. She naturally interpreted your agreement to be exclusive as a sign you were interested in developing a relationship with herthat's how dating works. You knew that, but you were selfish. Now you'll have to deal with the consequences.
Let's go back to the beginning of your fuck-up: You could (and should) have said from the start that you dont see the relationship becoming serious, but wouldnt mind having a partner during this stressful time. It would have been a completely legitimate suggestion, says , LMFT: Relationships can be exclusive and not make pretenses about long-term commitment, and this is especially true during an emerging health crisis when it was strongly recommended for folks to limit social and sexual contact with others."
Once your partner knew what you were looking for, she could have made an educated decision about whether she wanted to keep seeing you. Instead, you withheld your true plans. You probably feared that if you were honest about your feelings, she wouldn't have wanted to shack up with you. But thats exactly why you should have had the honest conversation, Francis says.
Ethical agreements happen when every party has all the information available and can make an informed choice. Your agreement was not ethical: You were withholding facts from her that you know could have changed her decision. "By keeping this information from her, you were not giving her the opportunity to consent," Francis explains.
I make this clear because you want to be exonerated from guilt for your self-serving and thoughtless behavior, and Im not going to do that. You played with her emotions and led her on during an extremely vulnerable time when the world is in chaos. You're an asshole. You have to live with that. But moving forward, you dont have to continue being an asshole. Thats where I can help.
You need to break up with her, clearly. But given the sticky wicket youve put yourself in, you need to be careful about how you end things with her.
Be definitive, and dont lead her on with platitudes like, Its not you, its me, says clinical psychotherapist , MA, LPC, LPCC. It will certainly hurt her, but at this point, what did you expect?
Wiley suggests sparing her the detail that you never had any intention of being in a committed relationship post COVID. Thats pouring salt on the wound.
If she asks what she did that made you decide to end the relationship this abruptly, tell her the truth: You just werent feeling it," Wiley says. Try to be understanding, and dont get mad at her for being mad at you. By thinking of you as an asshole, she may have an easier time moving on. At least let her have that. After breaking up, for the love of god, leave her alone, Wiley adds.
Alright, so I feel like Ive been pretty hard on you, but I will say, its not the end of the world. She will live and move on. And hopefully, you supported her as much as she supported you during the lonely months of March, April, and June. It wasnt all one-sided.
But moving forward, remember that your behavior directly impacts others, especially people youre dating, and especially people youre dating when theres a deadly airborne virus killing hundreds of thousands of people. If you dont see a relationship going somewhere, be direct about it. Give her the opportunity to make a decision with your true thoughts and feelings on the table.
If you don't, you'll forever be an asshole.