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Dear Sexplain It,
I'm a 22-year-old gay man, and I've been happily dating my boyfriend for 11 months. I'm in love with him. He's kind, smart, funny, and the sex is great. (He made losing my virginity a not-totally-awkward experience!)
The problem is, I'm constantly judged for being with him. He's 57 years oldmaking us 35 years apartand also happens to be wealthy. He takes me on nice vacations and pays for my dinners. Whenever my parents find out I'm still dating him, they go off about what a "predator" he is. I try to ignore what they say and focus on our relationship, but it's getting tougher, and I'm starting to worry they may be right. He treats me with respect, and I feel very autonomous in the relationship, but why would a man whos older than my father seek out a much younger men? Can our relationship possibly be healthy?
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Daddy Issues
Dear Daddy Issues,
I dont have all the facts, but based on the information you provided, your relationship isn't necessarily unhealthy or problematic. You mention that he treats you with respect, and you feel autonomous. If you said you felt pressured to be with him because of his money or power, then we'd be having a very different conversation.
Still, I understand the concerns youre having about the age gap. The media portrays couples with major age gaps as gold-digger-y at best and predatory at worst (more on why that automatic assumption is wrong later). Your relationship is definitely unconventional by mainstream society's standards, although it's worth noting that in gay culture, it's far more common for men to have partners who are decades older. For one, our dating pool is already small, and we'd be making it even smaller by limiting our age range. Second, these older/younger relationships have historically fallen into mentor/mentee situations, where the older man introduces the younger man to gay culture and spaces. That dynamic isn't quite as common as it was, say, 40 years ago; now, with the Internet and more LGBTQ+ visibility and protections, you don't necessarily need an older gentleman to introduce you to gay bars, friends, and culture.
Anyway! When it comes to determining once and for all whether your relationship is unhealthy, I'd encourage you to look beyond your boyfriend's age. Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC and cofounder of , feels the same.
Age gaps in and of themselves aren't necessarily a problem, Caraballo says. The real problem is if power dynamics are at play: Are there times when you feel coerced or pressured to behave in certain ways?
The key here is separating your thoughts from your parents thoughts and figuring out what, if anything, makes this relationship feel unhealthy to you. If the answer is no, then you know youre simply letting your friends and family get into your head.
Another very good reason to push your parents' views to the side is their use of the word predator. Put bluntly, its homophobic. The "gay predator" trope "is something that cisgender, heterosexual people have historically used to align same-sex relationships/sex (especially between men) as some sort of perversion rooted in abuse, Caraballo says. "There are many valid reasons why someone would seek out younger partners and that's okay, as long as those interactions are psychologically, ethically, and legally consensual."
And at the risk of being canceled, I dont think its wrong or unethical for an older gentleman to be attracted to guys in their 20s. If you were under 18, it'd be a major problem; it's statutory rape for someone to have sex with a minor even if they claim to consent. But for your loved ones to say that youa 22-year-old out gay mancan't make your own decisions is frankly infantilizing. When I was 22, I was sleeping with folks twice my age. If anything, I was taking advantage of them because I knew how much they liked me. I was this hot little bitch who was in control the entire time.
So go ahead and analyze your dynamic without undue influence from your friends and family. If after careful analysis you realize there are some unequal power dynamics, and he is taking advantage of the age gap and his wealth to coerce you into things you dont want to do, then dump his fugly ass. But if you come to the decision that you feel like an equal in your relationship and are in no way being exploited, then keep dating your man. Let him spoil you. Live it the fuck up.
Oh, and sorry to burst your bubble, but this relationship isn't going to last forever. It's your first relationship and it's to the man you lost your virginity to. That doesn't mean you love him any less or you won't cherish the time you spend together. It doesn't mean you should break up with him now (if you decide everything else is okay in the relationship). It just means that, realistically, he will be the first of many men you date and bone throughout your sexual career. So enjoy him while this whole thing lasts.