Grant Stoddard

This was the moment that changed <a href="https://kennethplay.com/" id="ce9182bf-87a7-3bf2-a40c-f83d30ca01f1"> Kenneth Play </a> s life forever. Hed used this line many times before. This exact sort of inquiry had served him well in his attempt to put a serious amount of lean meat on his once slender frame. In fact, the accumulation of good and bad bro-science hed received in reply to this guileless question had helped him carve out a body so impressive that he placed in physique competitions at a national level.

But on this particular occasion, Playthen 29wasnt at a gym. He was at a sex party. With their fingers, someone had just made a woman shoot pulses of liquid high into the air as she writhed and screamed in ecstasy. Female ejaculation was the that that Play wanted to be shown how to do. And shown he was. Then, in time, the pupil became the master. Kenneth Play discovered he had hacked great sex.

When he was 11, Play moved to the U.S. from Hong Kong with his family. By the time he was in his late teens, he couldnt shake the inkling that having a fulfilling sex life in his adopted home country wasnt going to come easy. I was a skinny Asian immigrant with an average-sized penis, he says. Based on what I absorbed from pop culture and saw in porn, women didnt want to have sex with people like me.

Play decided that the best way to increase his sexual appeal was to change the only thing about himself he thought he could changehis body. The result was nothing short of a metamorphosis. I thought that being fit and having a successful career [as a personal trainer] was the key to an awesome sex life, he says. The reality? I just became a sexually frustrated guy with very low body fat.

In that frustration, Play turned to pick-up guides to meet women, though he struggled to put the toxic mix of misogyny and sociopathy into practice. When he did get lucky, the only sex education he had to draw from was porn. What I didnt really understand was that porn was a lie in almost every respect, he says. Theres often no correlation between how good a sex act looks and how much pleasure it confers for either partner. Now I know that its purpose is to entertain, not to educate.

While Play was turning in performances cribbed from <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a30171574/pornhub-year-in-review-2019/" id="991f62a9-bd66-3766-aa83-b39ed57a5c27"> PornHub </a> , one of his dates floated the idea of taking him to his <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a28637293/first-sex-party-changed-outlook/" id="14c6cf61-5b48-3495-aba8-3e92d826c265"> first sex party </a> . Despite probably being pretty bad at sex, I was a very sexual person, says Play. So, the opportunity to go to an <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a21343914/worlds-largest-orgy-attempt-falls-short-of-goal/" id="1a4fb511-0261-3b93-ac94-b53564659cd8"> orgy </a> was huge for me.

So huge that, on the cusp of <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a26977308/planning-a-threesome-married/" id="a9637270-f0af-3ff5-a5c3-d72ffb3bb617"> having a threesome </a> at the party, Play psyched himself out and was unable to achieve and maintain an erection. I just hid in the bathroom, trying to get it up, and I knew that things just couldnt get any worse, he says. But then I realized that if I could get over this, I could get over anything. Instead of telling myself that I was messing up a once-in-a-lifetime experience, I decided to rejoin the party, be honest about what was happening with the two women waiting for me to join them, and just enjoy myself.

After he gave himself permission to relax, Play saddled up to the couple whod been getting wet and wild and politely asked for some pointershis eureka moment. The fitness industrymy industrywas predicated on people being shown how to do something by someone with demonstrable know-how, he says. At that moment, it occurred to me that sex couldand shouldbe taught the same way. I also realized that with a lot of hard work, I could be the one to teach it.

Play hit the books, applying a Tim Ferris approach to everything sex andwith the help of an increasing number of open-minded partnersbegan to deconstruct and understand the elements that make up good sex. It wasnt long before I realized that you dont need a giant dick to have sexual swagger, he says. You need to be a skilled, knowledgeable, and empathetic partner. I quickly discovered that competence equals confidence.

As his transformation gathered pace, he dropped his family name in favor of his professional handle and co-founded <a href="https://www.wearehacienda.com/" id="34b0e5d8-dc54-3841-a6fd-1c31dd676baa"> Hacienda </a> Villa: an intentional sex-positive community housed in a handsome Brooklyn brownstone. The Villa is not just home to Play and thirteen sex-positive others; its also a venue where special events are held. And while, yes, some of those events are legendary orgies, the vast majority are community and/or education-based.

Its here that you can catch one of Plays PlayLabsa hands-on sex-ed event divided into three parts; a presentation in which Play tells his own story and gives a Ted Talk-like lecture about what hes going to be teaching whether be it impact Play, anal sex, female ejaculation or what he calls the 90 minute orgasm; a demonstration in which he and an assistant perform the act in question: and a final period in which the eager students break off into groups to put what theyve learned into practice. During this last part, Play moves around the room like a yoga teacher, respectfully repositioning bodies when needed and reminding people to breathe.

Of course, not everyone is comfortable with being anally penetrated in a room of strangers. Play soon learned that there was an international market for private sessions and was soon flying around the world to impart what hed picked up in the six or seven years hed been nerding out on sex.

Is being handsomely paid to fly to Vietnam to teach millennial entrepreneurs how to have great sex glamorous? Absolutely. Not least because Play charges a cool grand per session and offers five-figure coaching packages that include multiple sessions over multiple days. Is it scalable as a business? Not so much. Thats why Play began creating <a href="https://kennethplay.com/sex-hacker-pro/" id="ef31fd8a-9345-343d-a098-83d348519fb8"> online video tutorials </a> so that people the world over can benefit from his hard-won carnal knowledge. Hes now known as the worlds greatest sex hackerat least as far as Google is concerned: Play owns the first page when you search that term. Now 38, Play is living proof that you can still make your American dream come trueeven if that dream is a wet one.

Excuse me. Would you mind showing me how to do that?

How Kenneth Play, the World's Great Sex Hacker, Acquired His Orgasmic Wisdom

In the weeks leading up to my visit, Id been seeing a woman Id met via a dating site. This was well before Tinder made spontaneously rubbing bits with a nearby stranger normal. At the time, it felt as though Allison and I were doing something pretty wild and seemed to become more comfortable with risk as a result. Over the course of just a few dates, our condom use went from exemplary to sloppy to non-existent.

Id been recently tested for sexually transmitted infections and discovered that Id managed to get the ripe old age of 25 without ever having one. I wasnt terribly surprised by this as, until I discovered that there was a way to meet women that didnt involve trying to start a face-to-face conversation with one, Id had a string of serious relationships. Before eschewing condoms completely, I told Allison that Id been tested and didnt have anything. She told me that she hadnt been tested in several months but hadnt noticed anything was up. She was on the pill and, on the face of it, everything was hunky dory.

Turns out, Allison was in the <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12649059" id="dc726adb-b1f5-30ba-ac6a-672bde52cb70"> 70 to 95 percent </a> of women who have chlamydia and dont develop symptoms. Just hours after I arrived in the little English town in which I grew up, it transpired that I was in the estimated 10 percent of men who do develop chlamydia symptoms. Id convinced myself, however, that there was no way I could have picked up a sexually transmitted disease from Allison and instead thought that I had a urinary tract infection.

A previous girlfriend experienced UTIs pretty regularly, especially after longer or more boisterous sex sessions. When this happened, she decamped to the bathroom with a magazine for hours at a time, emerging only to swig cranberry juice and tell me that she felt as though she was pissing shards of glass. Pissing shards of glass is exactly what it felt like when I went to excrete all the gallons of tea I was being served by my British parents my every waking hour and so. I went on a hunt for cranberry juice and a copy of US Weekly, confident that some combination of the two would knock my UTI right out. I should mention at this point that the evidence that cranberry juice-or US Weekly-can clear up a UTI is pretty <a href="https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/article-abstract/2576821" id="e2b25609-06e7-35c6-a408-2c5c51f891b8"> thin on the ground </a> . But I was as convinced that this would be the cure to what ailed me. In the staid little English town where I was born and raised, there was not a drop of the stuff to be found. That only mattered for the next hour or so because, after that, I started to notice that my penis was leaking something like snot.

Even my ability for wishful thinking couldnt prevent me from acknowledging that this was an STI, not a UTI, and that white-knuckling it through the next week was not an option. (Had my parents had a computer at the time, I would have figured out very quickly that I was likely dealing with either chlamydia or gonorrhea.)

The good news was that there was a sexual health clinic within a 15-minute drive of my parent's house. The bad news was that I didnt drive and needed a ride. Now, there comes a point where the ignominy of asking your mother to drive you to the sexual health clinic is actually better than the searing pain of going to the bathroom, the horror of a leaking penis, and the fear that other unknown symptoms werent far behind.

(I didnt know it at the time, but had I let my condition go untreated, I could have developed epididymitis and wound up with pain, tenderness, and swelling of the testicles.)

My mother made it clear how displeased she was about the burgeoning lifestyle that I was compelled to tell her about. She then informed me that one of her old classmates from high school was a nurse at the clinic. Eventually, she agreed to drop me off there with the caveat that Id have to find my own way home.

Testing for chlamydia has evolved since the turn of the century, but in this instance, the nurse-who knew I was my mothers son at a glance-took a swab of my urethra by scraping an implement along inside of it. Based on my symptoms, she was confident that chlamydia-the most frequently reported bacterial sexually transmitted infection in the US-was the cause and gave me antibiotics that seemed to clear up the infection within 36 hours of my taking them.

With the diagnosis confirmed, I knew that I would need to tell Allison immediately. Though my chlamydia symptoms were no walk in the park, in women they can be much more serious. A pamphlet I was given at the clinic explained that, left untreated, chlamydia can spread to the uterus, fallopian tubes, and cause pelvic inflammatory disease. This can lead to infertility, chronic pelvic pain, and even a potentially fatal ectopic pregnancy.

I met with Allison within a few hours of arriving back Stateside and advised her that she had ought to get checked without delay. Somewhat shocked, she confirmed that she would and, for reasons lost in the mists of time, that was the last time we spoke.

In the prevailing years, Ive tightened up my safer sex game and, based on the results of twice yearly testing, I havent contracted an STI since. Thats particularly good news because, since this rather embarrassing visit home, chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis have become <a href="https://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/antibiotic-resistant-std-faq" id="6884578e-2720-3e93-a5d3-0bbd1c0555e1"> increasingly resistant </a> to antibiotics.

According to the <a href="https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/sexually-transmitted-infections-(stis)" id="0185245c-86c1-3159-aeb0-3e879fcd9f88"> World Health Organization </a> , some recently detected STI strains dont respond to any available antibiotics at all. This alarming new intel means that best course of action is, as always, to use condoms with a new partner until you get tested.

What it Feels Like When You Catch Chlamydia

Theres really no good time to experience chlamydia, but getting it while spending a week at home with your family is particularly unfortunate. This is partly because the circumstances that dictated that I had to tell my mother what exactly was going on with me and my genitals. Allow me to explain.

Exactly What Happened When I Didn't Realize I'd Caught Chlamydia

<h1> The Empire State needed me to think things over. </h1>

Could you do it like, today? I asked, my paranoia getting the better of me.

No, she said. Im afraid you're going to have to wait at least 30 days.

Turns out that in the New York State, this month-long period is intended to give people ample opportunity to consider his or her decision about being permanently sterilized. Federally funded health insurance plans also require a 30-day wait, but in most other states, the waits are much shorter. In California, for example, you can get snipped a mere 72 hours after first talking to a provider. Check your state's laws if you're considering the procedure.

Despite using three forms of birth control with the woman I was seeing-the pill, condoms, and the withdrawal method-not to mention her lack of enthusiasm about reproducing, my next 30 days were filled with paranoia. As V-day inched ever closer, I was visited with nightmares about accidentally becoming a dad just as I was taking action to prevent it from happening.

<h1> Its quick and virtually painless, but smells terrible. </h1>

These days, most vasectomies that are performed in the US are of the no-scalpel variety. Instead of slicing your scrotum open with a blade, a small puncture-hole is made. A hooked implement is then poked into that puncture hole and the vas deferens-the tubes that carry sperm from the testicles-are pulled through that hole one at a time. Once a loop of each vas deferens is pulled out, it's cut, and the ends are cauterized or clamped.

The shot of local anesthetic to the region wasn't especially pleasant, but much worse was the smell of my smoldering vas deferens after Dr. Miller zapped them with her cauterizing tool. Once that odiferous business is done, the disconnected tubes-which Dr. Miller described as feeling like al dente spaghetti-were tucked back into the puncture hole, which was covered with a small round Band-Aid. There's no scalpel, no stitches, and no scar. In fact, the entire procedure was over so quickly that the snow in the treads of my boots still hadn't melted by the time I gingerly hoisted by pants back up and headed back home on the subway.

<h1> You still need to wait a while. </h1>

Think that you're good to go post-op? So did ,I but it turns out that even after the highways that carry sperm from the testicles are closed off, you're still carrying live rounds. Male sexual health and fertility specialist Dr. Paul Turek described it like this: "You can turn the faucet off, but there's still water in the hose, right?"

Right. So how do you know when all the water is out of the hose? Well, the general rule of thumb is 12 weeks or 20 ejaculations, though research has shown that it could well be longer. One Mexican <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12913724" id="748e9406-617c-3c2c-af92-52cdf532994e"> study </a> of 200 vasectomized volunteers found that fully 17 percent of them had not achieved sperm clearance by 24 weeks.

The only way to get peace of mind on this front, I learned, is for your doctor to analyze a semen sample and confirm that you are all clear. Not waiting until getting confirmation of azoospermia is the number one reason vasectomized men unwittingly end up fathering children. The other reason vasectomies fail is rarer, but fascinating-the recanalization of the vas deferens. Simply put, the cut ends of the tubes that carry sperm from the testicles find each other and link back up.

<h1> Jumping back into the fray too soon is a bad idea. </h1>

I woke up the following morning feeling just the same as I always had and made plans to see my girl. While Dr. Miller had said that having sex within a day or two of a no-scalpel vasectomy was typically fine, she did caution against overdoing it for the first week or so. It's hard to quantify what overdoing it looks like, but the following morning, it was clear that's exactly what I'd done. My entire scrotum was bruised black and blue and tender as all get out, and remained that way for the next several days. So if you go through with the procedure, learn from my mistake and give it a little more time.

4 Things I Wish I'd Known Before My Vasectomy

I'd always known that I didn't want kids, but it took a friend's pregnancy scare to provoke me into taking responsibility for that fact. Within two days of him detailing how his life nearly veered off in another direction, I was sat across from a vasectomy provider ready to put my balls on the line. After Dr. Sarah Miller of the Walton Family Health Center in the Bronx emphasized how quick and simple the procedure would be, I asked her to end my years-long game of reproductive Russian roulett...

Four Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Got a Vasectomy

Its really not good for my ego, said Kate, who Id always found to be funny, charismatic, talented, and attractive. I dont want to let my standards slip, but at this point, I just really just need to get laid.

Well, I could help you out with that, I said, hoping that a cocked eyebrow would indicate to her-and the small group of friends surrounding her-that my remark was (or at least could be) meant in jest.

My utterance got the flirty courtesy laugh it barely deserved, and then Kate turned her attention to refilling everyone's wine glasses. So, imagine my surprise when, just 24 hours later, I got a message from Kate that read: "Ive been thinking about your offer. If youre serious, Ill take you up on it.

Excited as I was, I knew we'd need one crucial thing before this rather pragmatic tryst could get underway: Leilas blessing. Leila was a family friend of Kate and, for the past eighteen months, my wife.

I should mention at this point that Leila and I were non-monogamous, though neither of us had done too much about it. As such, the boundaries on what was kosher and what was not were still ill-defined. It was over dinner that night that I decided to kick the tires of our open relationship, albeit carefully.

Do you know that Kate hasnt had sex for nearly a year? I said to Leila, who wasnt able to attend the party. Wow, that really is a long time, she said.

Right? I continued. So...I was wondering what you thought of me helping her scratch the itch.

You mean have sex with her? she said. With Kate? Oh, I dont know...

Cmon, why not? I asked. Look, she knows Im crazy about you. Im a safe subject. Itll be like a sleepover, really.

Aside from all the sex, Leila added.

She was smiling now; amused, maybe even excited by the idea. I think it would be a really nice thing for us to do for a friend, I said. She needs to get her mojo back.

For the next day or two, we discussed the pitfalls of the project and figured to avoid them. Finally, she gave her consent, saying said she knew Kate well enough to know that Kate didnt have a malicious bone in her body, and consequently didnt feel threatened by the idea. Leila also liked the message it sent about our relationship-that it was both durable and pliable Its much harder to break a relationship thats bendy, she said.

I wasted little time telling Kate, who seemed thrilled. So thrilled, in fact, that I felt compelled to remind her that it was just little ol me shed be spending the night with, and not Idris Elba. But then, 11 months is a very long time. Kate-ever organized-put our cheat-cute on the calendar and, two days prior, I checked in to make sure she was still game.

Are you kidding me? she answered. I can barely stop thinking about it.

In fact, shed thought about it so much that she had a whole night planned that involved cocktails, dinner and a visit to an upscale strip club before heading back to her place for the main event. Even though it hadnt yet become a phrase, I was thinking more "Netflix and chill," but then, this was her night, her charter, her call.

If Kate harbored any trepidation about our contrived sex date, she disguised it masterfully when I picked her up at her apartment. Feeling suddenly bashful, I stammered out a hello, and we left for a trendy neighborhood bar. There, Kate told me about how several guys shed been on dates with had taken themselves out of contention by being insensitive, inattentive, six to eight inches shorter than advertised, or merely dull. After dinner and thirty minutes of pretending that I liked strip clubs as much as Kate did, we headed back to her place.

A thick silence fell in the elevator on the way up to her apartment. I needed to start bridging the gap between idle chatter and the business at hand. We really had no idea whether we'd have enough chemistry to pull this whole thing off convincingly. Kate was already looking up at me through her bangs as I took a step toward her and put my hands around her waist. With my nerves on edge, we kissed.

The instant we went through her apartment door, nearly a year's worth of pent-up lust came flooding out of Kate. She was ripping up the standard sexual playbook with a zeal that laid the extent of her frustrations bare. She raked her nails across my back, bit my ears and turned the air blue with the things she said. Not a style I was used to with Leila; it was all I could do to keep up.

Gradually, Kate let off enough steam for us to get in sync with each other. As this was a one-night-only engagement, we took full advantage of the situation. It was a sometimes awkward, sometimes silly, but overall fun evening that lasted well into the wee hours.

The next morning, at breakfast with Kate, I mulled over what an outlandish adventure this had been. By accidentally expressing what I secretly wanted to one woman-and being honest about that want to anotherId somehow pulled off the unthinkable. I wondered what else in life I could do just by voicing my desire for it. Before I left, Kate gave me a card for my wife. It underlined the idea that Kate had merely borrowed something that belonged to Leila. Now she was returning it...and me...for good.

Well? asked Leila as I walked back into our apartment. Knowing that she didnt want the blow by blow, I just told her that it was fun, that it was good to be home, and gave her a hug. At that moment I could scarcely believe that I was married to someone who could take this in stride, and hoped that I could be as generous and understanding when it was her turn to head out on a sexual adventure of her own.

What Happened When My Wife Loaned Me to Her Friend

It all started when Kate began telling a group of us about her 11-month dry spell at a party at her home. She put a very humorous spin on the cavalcade of socially inept and charmless men shed been on dates with, but as the tale went on, it became clear that her seemingly inexplicable sex drought was taking a toll.

What Happened When My Wife Let Me Sleep With One of Her Friends

It was several years ago that I started to notice that orgasms that rendered me unable to remember my name or where I was were becoming few and far between. Then, last winter, I started to suspect that the volume of semen I produced was decreasing and the past few months, Ive become certain that the force of my ejaculations has been on the wane. Before chalking it up to the aging process and accepting that my orgasms were going to be markedly less spectacular from here on out, I decided to educate myself on what might be going on down there. Im glad that I did, and if you want the best orgasms of your life to be ahead of you, you will be, too.

There are certain changes we expect to take place as part of the aging process. One we might not think about too much is our capacity for making more semen. In one study, men over the age of 52 had half the volume of semen as men under that age (1.8 ml versus 3.2ml).

The ability to create the components of semen is also affected by advancing years as the body performs none of its functions with the same robust efficiency of youth as men age, says Michael Reitano, physician-in-residence at mens health startup Ro. While turning back time is not an option, lengthening the time between ejaculations is, and it could result in higher volumes.

Even if a reduced capacity for making a mess isnt a concern, ejaculating in quick succession is likely to result in weaker feeling orgasms, according to Erik Wibowo, a male anatomy expert from the University of Otego in New Zealand. This, he says, is because of the refractory period that follows after an ejaculation in which re-arousal is dampened. Wibowo adds that how quickly you could return to baseline varies significantly between individuals.

Lessening frequency of ejaculation may help with this, says psychotherapist Ian Kerner, author of <a href="https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/he-comes-next-ian-kerner/1007026210" id="00f047ce-95c2-32a3-a367-0124a2be7030"> He Comes Next </a> . Kerner says that edging or postponing ejaculation during sex or masturbation may increase the tone of the pelvic floor muscles and increase the force of ejaculation.

Getting set in your ways is, generally speaking, part and parcel of getting older. It stands to reason. By the time you get into your 40s, you've gained enough experience under your belt to know what trips your trigger and what doesn't. However, that trigger will be harder to trip if you don't switch things up every now and again. And that can mean weaker orgasms.

I've observed that when psychological stimulation is high-a particularly juicy piece of porn, a sexual scenario that deviates from one's pattern-men also claim to have more powerful orgasms, says Kerner. Certainly, psychological stimulation and the percolation of arousal plays a role in the quality of orgasm.

Your move? Whether its in your sex life, your mental fantasies, or the kind of porn your watch, keep an open mind when looking for inspiration. Finding something novel or unexpected is likely to pay dividends.

Youve probably heard that, as men age, the <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/health/a19536476/is-your-testosterone-level-normal/" id="e483b2e7-4061-3aa8-aec6-f285dec26a0d"> amount of testosterone we produce </a> diminishes. What you may not know is that a drop off in testosterone is linked to weaker orgasms. Wibowo says the difficulty in studying this topic is in part because most men with very low levels of testosterone are not engaged in sexual activity anyway, due to the diminished libido associated with it. He does, however, cite a 2018 <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/30602021" id="e2934e40-1f6d-3cce-a301-080073d252e3"> paper </a> about how androgen deprivation therapy used to treat prostate cancer causes pelvic floor muscle shrinkage. This is no surprise because skeletal muscle morphology depends on testosterone, he says.

While a doctor will need to see your blood work to assess whether you could be a candidate for testosterone replacement therapy, there is a suite of things you can do with the aim of boosting it-and your Os-naturally. These include eating a balanced diet consisting of <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1984562" id="f6539b6f-596e-3c93-ae4c-85d59348e648"> protein </a> , <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9029197" id="7db90644-1227-3cca-ae0f-6a9e8a75c4bf"> carbs </a> , and <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3360302" id="58e8b232-ba9a-3a91-a934-447b35967692"> fats </a> , engaging regular <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17051372" id="9a2d76d0-3879-38ee-a2f1-063abe539386"> resistance exercise </a> , lowering stress, supplementing your diet with <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16648789" id="05c16d34-1c62-3073-a3e7-68db10dde69a"> zinc </a> , <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21154195" id="e446dbe5-618d-3614-ae84-7a47b781f388"> vitamin D </a> and other minerals, <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/894528" id="830d3d18-6671-3285-a367-2289e150adfe"> drinking less alcohol </a> , and making sure you get good <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9349750" id="88773175-5200-397d-a4ca-7f653711fdcb"> sleep </a> consistently. In fact, one <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9349750" id="4e313b85-f7a2-35d7-ac54-a27cc6b1249e"> study </a> showed that on average, for every additional hour of sleep you fit in, your testosterone levels rise by 15%.

Orgasms Getting Weaker? Here's How to Fix It.

Theres plenty of evidence to support the idea that sex gets better with age. But if your salad days are a decade or two behind you, may have noticed that your orgasms arent quite what they used to be. Im talking about a few different but sometimes related things here; a weakening in the way an orgasm feels; a weakening in the force with which you ejaculate and a reduction in the volume of semen you produce when you orgasm.

Orgasms Getting Weaker With Age? Here's How to Increase Their Strength

Jewelry really wasn't Marias thing, and given that her fashion choices were so quintessentially her, I knew that surprising her with an item of clothing would be a gamble. Amidst all this impotent fretting, I received an email from a woman saying that shed read and enjoyed my writing about sex. I got messages like this every once in a while, but this one was particularly flirty-the sign-off mentioning that I should look her up if I ever happened to be in Toronto.

In the next set of exchanges, Carla mentioned her high sex drive and penchant for novelty. A few days later, she attached some pictures. The shots were of a tall, beautiful, slender yet curvaceous brunette in various states of undress. The idea that my writing had piqued her interest in me was really not helping me to hone in on Marias 30th birthday gift. Until suddenly, it did.

In her latest communique, she mentioned that having a threesome with a guy and another woman was on her sexual to-do list. It just so happened that it was also on my wifes. And although Id had a debauched sex life due to my work, having a regular old-fashioned threesome had somehow evaded me.

Given the audacity of the plan taking shape, I asked for Carlas number and called her as opposed to plotting this out over email. In a voice that sounded exactly like Pam from the Office, she enthusiastically consented to my plan. That plan was just this: I would fly her the 2000 miles from Toronto to Vancouver where three of us would hole up in a hotel room, emerging periodically for food and drinks. Carla already seen and gushed over pictures of Maria on Facebook, and I felt confident that Maria would feel similarly enthused about her.

My next move was to make sure that Maria would be amenable to a sexy weekend while retaining something to surprise her with on her actual birthday. Together, we selected dates, ultimately choosing a weekend around two weeks after her birthday. I figured that I would reveal exactly what I had in store for her with enough lead time for Maria to get excited and prep. And in the event that I totally misjudged the situation, Id still have a couple of weeks to apologize and get her a more traditional gift. Once I confirmed the dates with Carla, I reserved a chic, boutique hotel room and bought her ticket out west.

Ultimately, I did end up getting Maria some more traditional gifts for her to open on her birthday, but the pice de rsistance was a birthday card/brochure Id made featuring pictures Carla had sent for that very purpose. I waited with bated breath as she absorbed the images and read through the details of what I had planned. To my immense relief, my audacious gift elicited not a slap but a hug. Through tears of joy, Maria exclaimed that this was the best gift she could have hoped for. At that moment, I was king of the world.

There were a couple of things thing worrying me, however. Try as I might, I hadnt managed to establish that the Carla on the phone was the woman in the dozens of pictures Id been sent. Apparently, she didnt have a webcam-making verification that much more difficult. I was also just too damn polite to insist that she send me a selfie of her face next to a copy of todays paper. I promise its me, she said, when I alluded to my doubts. But I was also fixated on another scenario in which Carla just didnt show up. Not being the type to keep my paranoia to myself, I told Maria, who was typically unflappable.

If she isnt the woman in the picture, were not obligated to spend the weekend with her, she said. And if she doesnt show, you and I get to have a dirty weekend together. Its all good."

Maria spent Friday afternoon in prep mode. She got a mani-pedi, a bikini wax, and picked out some hot lingerie to wear. I checked into the room, provisioned it with condoms, lube, various sex toys, water, snacks and put a bottle of bubbly on ice. I took a shower, then headed out to the airport and girded myself for an imposter, a no-show, or Carla in all her glory. Sure enough, there she was, looking even more gorgeous than in her pictures.

We got into a cab and started making out-but a minute or two in, she warned me that if we went any further, she wouldnt be able to stop. It was a remark the cabbie heard and shot me a sharp look in the rearview. Maria was waiting for us in the hotel bar when we arrived. We ordered some cocktails and engaged in some excited and slightly awkward conversation. Maria suggested that we go and get dinner, which prompted Carla to suggest that we head upstairs instead.

Im not really that hungry, she said. Maybe well be hungry later?

With that, Carla grabbed Marias hand and started guiding her towards the elevator. Maria, looked over her shoulder, winked and mouthed oh my god and then thank you. I immediately threw some cash on the table, grabbed Carlas case and gamely followed them into the elevator, barely concealing my shit-eating grin from the intrigued concierge.

In the room, I poured the girls some bubbles then went into the bathroom to try and regain my composure. Given that neither of them had been with a woman before, I was concerned that things could take a while to get going. It turns out, I didn't need to worry: By the time I reemerged 90 seconds later, both were in their underwear hungrily, making out with their hands all over one another. After watching them 69 for a few minutes, I was ushered into the fray.

The rest of the weekend was something of a blur. As expected there was quite a lot of sex, interspersed with trips to bars and restaurants. By the end of day two, however, Marias thirst for lengthy sex sessions had been slaked and she was egging us to spend more time out of the hotel room. Though Carla was reluctant to put clothes on-as was I, honestly-we finally ventured outside. In all, a successful weekend.

Around five weeks out from my wifes 30th birthday, I began to panic. Thirty was a milestone birthday, and it required a gift of some significance. Upping the stakes further, it would be her first birthday since we tied the knot.

My Wife Always Wanted a Threesome, So I Planned One for Her 30th Birthday

<h1> The Hitachi/Original Magic Wand </h1>

While nothing can be more subjective than an opinion on a sex toy, the efficacy of this legendary device designed to make it rain orgasms has actually been proven by science. A 2008 <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5848654/" id="e50c7097-7094-3a0d-a20f-bb4061438a35"> study </a> found that over 93 percent of a group of 500 chronic anorgasmic women-meaning women with a persistent inability to climax-could reach orgasm using <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/B010RHWCJ2/" id="fde40e01-df3c-34e8-a27c-42bc2a751deb"> the Magic Wand </a> . That finding, plus the consensus view of very happy magic wand owners Ive spoken with over the years is what led me to invest in my very own Hitachi magic wand in 2012.

That version of the wand-virtually unchanged in 45 years-was ugly and unwieldy. It plugged into the wall and had just two settings commonly described by users as high, and really high. In fact, many users need to put a blanket between their body and the toy to buffer the intensity of stimulation. But if these aesthetic and engineering oversights were the cons, the pro was that it was devastatingly effective at making bone-shaking orgasms happen.

Given <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530" id="7746c200-362d-3644-aff0-585669b7b158"> research </a> from 2005 showing that only 18 percent of women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, I quickly found that the Magic Wand was an incredibly handy and much-appreciated tool to have in my arsenal. One partner was so into grinding her clitoral region into the wand during rear-entry sex that she eventually snapped the head of the device clean off. Imagine my horror-not to mention hers-when I rushed out to buy a replacement and discovered that Hitachi no longer made them. Or so it seemed. Apparently, the Japanese company had created this contraption in the early 60s for relieving tension and relaxing sore muscles and were bugging out about the brand name being uttered when people gushed about their favorite sex toy. Consequently, Hitachi temporarily ceased making the wand in 2013, but was persuaded by US distributor Vibratex to continue manufacturing it under the name Original Magic Wand with the Hitachi name omitted. When I got my replacement in 2016, it was an award-winning new version of the wand that is cordless and rechargeable, with four speeds and four preset patterns. Upon making my purchase, I also picked up a few after market attachments made by a variety of companies. These rubber and silicone add-ons are designed to excite both male and female parts. Luckily, I checked out the Hummingbird attachment on my own time, because that time was very, very short. Simply put, the Magic Wand makes it happen hard and fast. Its available on <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Magic-Wand-Unplugged-Rechargeable/dp/B010RHWCJ2/ref=sr_1_6?keywords=Original+magic+wand&amp;qid=1552669409&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-6" id="63f87ccd-b6e3-3d0a-a8ca-defd1497d5e6"> Amazon </a> for $85.

<h1> The Eva II by Dame Products </h1>

On the other end of the size scale is the <a href="https://www.dameproducts.com/products/eva-ii" id="cc61699f-195d-34b7-ad3e-4325653bb5df"> Eva II </a> . Billed as the worlds first fully wearable sex toy, its first iteration was designed by sexologist Alex Fine and engineer Janet Lieberman to address the <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16418125" id="6d778f81-5006-3197-a0be-bca5cbbc1b22"> 2005 finding </a> that men are more than twice as likely to orgasm through intercourse alone than women are. The goal of their 2014 <a href="https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/eva-the-first-truly-wearable-couples-vibrator#/" id="78616cb5-531f-30dd-a632-0f74e83f8947"> Indigogo campaign </a> was to raise $50k and get the Eva into peoples lives. Ultimately, they raised almost $862k-highlighting the enthusiasm of the general public to close what they term the pleasure gap.

Waterproof, rechargeable, and smaller than a Cadbury Creme Egg, the three-speed vibrator has two flexible arms that enable it to tuck into the inner or outer labia. Once nestled there, it provides hands-free clitoral stimulation without obstructing penetration. While it's designed to improve a womans chances of having an orgasm during penetrative sex, its actually fun for me too. Available in two colors, The Eva II can be had for <a href="https://www.dameproducts.com/products/eva-ii" id="83cc4259-c669-3f6e-a702-dcac52c5a3be"> $135 </a> .

I was first introduced to the <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Njoy-Pure-Metal-Polished-Steel/dp/B00FEKPCTU" id="437a8fbb-f30d-3bd8-a587-fb9dce0af0eb"> NJoy Pure Wand </a> when one was shoved into my hand my sex coach Kenneth Play during one of his PlayLabs. A Playlab is a hands-on sex ed workshop in which Play discusses an advanced sexual technique. He then demonstrates said technique with an assistant, and then coaches a room of neophytes as they attempt it for the first time. My girlfriend and I were at his Squirting Playlab-squirting being the colloquial term given to womens ability to ejaculate fluid in response to stimulation with fingers, a penis, or a toy. According to Play, the Pure Wand was the ultimate tool for this particular job.

One balled end of this heavy, curved stainless steel implement can be inserted into the vagina, where it makes contact with the front inside wall. Once you find the perfect balance point, you can gently bounce the wand by gently tapping the exposed end of the wand. The end on the inside will run against the front inside wall and more often than not, open the flood gates. That occasion was the first time that my girlfriend had ever squirted and-judging by the emphatic reactions all around us-it was the first time for all of the other women in the room, too. During that same session, Play also showed us how to use the Pure Wand in conjunction with the Magic Wand for something he calls the blended squirting orgasm.

As with the Magic Wand, I was in possession of this thing for years before I realized that I could enhance my orgasms too. Id gamely tried out plenty of prostate toys in the past but Id been left largely unmoved. When I tried out the Pure Wand using the same bouncing technique I employed when using it with a female partner, I had such an intense orgasm that masturbating without it hardly seems worth the effort. The Pure Wand is available from NJoy for <a href="https://shop.njoytoys.com/products/pure-wand" id="3dc3812f-bbee-3e6f-a65b-e5ad2358bfd2"> $110. </a>

Ive been writing about sex for 18 years and for almost all of that time, people have been sending me free sex toys to try out. (Its nice work if you can get it.) These companies arent just being nice-they send them in the vain hope that I will write a favorable review and, in so doing, help them move some units. Because of this rather odd aspect of my working life, Ive tried hundreds of toys-both solo and partnered. But I could count the sex toys Ive actually used more than once on one hand. ...

I've Spent 20 Years Testing Hundreds of Sex Toys. These Are the Only 3 I Still Use.

But they're not. In fact, while many men are at their genital prime in their late teens and early 20s, their powers are often undercut by insecurity, impulsiveness, and inexperience, according to marriage and family therapist Paul Hokemeyer. "It's counter-intuitive, but for men, sexual prowess improves with age, he says. This is because, over time, men become more grounded in their place in the world-and the bedroom."

So whats underpinning a more mature mans sexual prowess? Well, according to Hokemeyer and other experts we spoke with, a lot of it boils down to having the three Cs-competence, confidence, and communication-covered. The good news is that this troika of interrelated qualities can be fostered at any age.

Beautiful passionate couple having sex on bed

Sex coach Kenneth Play grew up feeling insecure about his capacity to shock and awe in the bedroom. As far as I could tell, being a great lover meant having a big dick, he says adding that he always felt his average size would be an impediment. What changed? His realization that he could become a phenomenal partner by making something else considerably bigger-his knowledge base.

Around age 30, Play decided to take a wonkish approach to sex, reading everything he could on the subject, soliciting feedback from partners and drilling down on what he liked. The results, he says, quickly paid dividends.

Its important to realize and accept that every partner youll ever have is as unique in terms of what they like and how they respond to stimulation as you are, he says. That said, a great first step is to familiarize yourself with the terrain broadly. Knowing what a clitoris is, where to find it and how to discern how its owner responds to various types of stimulation certainly helped me stand out in the crowd. This assertion is backed up by a recent U.K. survey of 2,000 men which found that fully half couldnt identify a vagina on an anatomical diagram.

The move here is to do as Play did. First, get to grips with your own body and sexual response. Then familiarize yourself with that of your partner's, figuring out a system for them to tell you what feels good and what doesnt that doesnt take either of you out of the moment. Then keep building on that knowledge while tailoring it to each and every new partner.

For me, becoming competent was a game changer, he says. Once I could bring everything I learned to bear, I stopped obsessing about not having a porn star penis. I can't teach people how to have a larger penis. I can teach them sexual competence which in turn, can help lead to sexual confidence.

Sari Cooper is the Director of Center for Love and Sex in Manhattan. Shes developed a model of Sex Esteem, which she provides to her clients and the general public via webinars. Her model includes the three Cs-and none of them stand for comparison, which Cooper explains is the enemy of confidence. [Comparison] is an externally focused way of contemplating ones own Sex Esteem, that has men laser-focused on themselves in terms of how they stack up to others, she says.

Confidence, on the other hand, is linked to a sense of worthiness, a sense of feeling that a man have something to offer a partner, whether its generosity, sense of fun, honesty and emotional availability. When I teach men about confidence, I ask them when they feel most 'in the flow' in their body, she says. Many men speak about when theyre playing a sport they love, giving a talk, or having a great workout. Confidence is a mind-body experience of flow. It is something that s readable when one walks down the street. Ones movement is integrated, and theres a lightness about the walk.

Weve already discussed how far a little sex ed and introspection goes in shoring up your mojo, but what else can you do? A good first step is to become aware of the thoughts and feelings that are making you feel insecure, making them easier to understand and eventually let go of. It could be that a ding in your confidence is associated with something in your past, or the opinion of a former partner. If thats the case, booking a session with a sex therapist is a wise move. The most fun way of getting that lightness back in your walk, of course, is to have more sex, approaching each time with your ego in check and intending to learn.

Close up high angle top view above photo of comfortable laying o

All the competence and confidence in the world isnt going to count for much if they cant be tailored to your partners wants, needs, and desires. For that to happen, lines of communication need to be open, says Spokane-based therapist Zita Nickeson.

If you are not able to hear your partner's requests, it will certainly not be memorable sex for her-at least in the way you would hope it would be, she says, adding that expressing your own wants, needs, and desires is of equal importance.

Simply expressing your needs and listening to those of your partner is likely to yield some pretty concrete results. This idea is backed up by a <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jmft.12282" id="ee05f547-9378-34d5-afb8-167712610431"> 2017 study </a> published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy which revealed that higher amounts of sexual communication were associated with increased orgasm frequency in women and more significant relationship and sexual satisfaction in both men and women.

Compassion is also a big part of this characteristic, continues Nickeson. You may hear your partner's requests, but can you connect to those requests? Compassion allows a greater understanding of your partner and her needs.

3 Qualities That'll Make You Way Better in Bed

Boundless energy, an indomitable erection, the briefest of refractory periods and an ability to convincingly reenact a veritable porn-ucopia of positions and tricks cribbed from the internet. If these were the main ingredients of great sex, then younger guys and their partners would be having all the great sex.

These 3 Qualities Will Help Make You Way Better at Sex

Fast forward two years, and despite that somewhat star-crossed date, were still an item. Its been the most loving and mature relationship Ive ever been a part of. Though had I consulted the experts who shared the following insights with me, I dare say I could have saved us both some misgivings, trouble, and heartache along the way.

<h1> Talk about what you want early on </h1>

While it feels unnatural to have a discussion about what your expectations are, it's a conversation worth having sooner rather than later when youre dating a single mother. Thats because any preconceived notions you have can be way, way off. When a single mom begins dating, they may just be looking for a break, a supportive ear for the challenging period theyre going through, fun outings, and sexual companionship that provide hope for the future, says psychotherapist Sari Cooper, director of Center for Love and Sex. Cooper adds they may also begin dating with the longing for a serious relationship, so its important to both know what you want and be honest about whether its compatible with what shes looking for and check in regularly as your relationship progresses.

Ever heard of White Knight Syndrome? Psychotherapist Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D., describes it as a compulsive need to be a caregiver to romantic partners you perceive to be in distress. If, like me, you style yourself as a happy-go-lucky, freewheeling guy, the challenges a single mom faces down day in, day out can compel you to want to wade into the mire and solve problems. Id seen this White Knight personality trait in other people and seen how it can be counterproductive.

I thought I could resist the compelled to swoop in and save the day financially, physically, or emotionally, but increasingly, I couldnt. More to the point, I wasnt being asked to swoop in, in the first place. Unfortunately, while saving the day will temporarily feed your ego, it will leave you feeling angry, resentful, and drained in the long run, says Hokemeyer, detailing something I learned the hard way. While its natural to want to relieve the burdens and resolve the issues of the person you love, doing it to the point when it disrupts your own life, health or happiness isnt doing anyone any favors.

She's made incredible sacrifices, endured unimaginable pain, and navigates a slew of daily challenges to make sure her child or children get everything they need in life. Something I try-and sometimes fail-to be mindful of is that her child is her number one priority. Don't expect you will suddenly jump to the front of the queue when it comes time for your needs to be met, says Hokemeyer, explaining that if you require constant validation from your partner, perhaps your not ready to be romantically involved with a single mom. Rather than allowing yourself to get butthurt about the amount of time or emotional bandwidth she has for you, look for other expressions of how she feels for you.

<h1> Don't wait to meet the children until you are "all in." </h1>

When I told my friends that I was going to meet the kid around three months after our first date, several expressed concern. They worried that the introduction was a Rubicon-crossing moment. I didnt listen to them, and in retrospect, I think I made the right move. Spokane-based sex therapist Zita Nickeson agrees. What if you don't get along with them and that becomes a huge point of contention? she says, adding that instead of waiting for certain conditions to be met, a better tactic is to agree upon a healthy way to meet her children and get to know her children without creating expectations that would lead to disappointments. Nickeson goes on to explain that part of building a romantic relationship with another adult is also building a friendship. Explore meeting her children in that stage and follow her lead in conversations with her children, she says. They don't need to know right away that you are anything more than a friend.

<h1> Know that you and your relationship are having an effect. </h1>

Nickeson says that while you should try to replace the other parent, its important to recognize that you are a potential "role model" for a child, and there can be equally important responsibilities in that. She explains that, beyond being a potential role model, your relationship itself is a model to her children. Many mothers recognize the importance of their romantic relationship, and that they are modeling and building the framework of the adult relationships their children will eventually have, she says.

What to Know Before You Date a Single Mother

We met at a tapas bar soon after we matched on a dating app. Halfway into our first glass of wine, the petite and attractive woman sitting across from me divulged that she had an eight-year-old son. Given that I wasnt looking for anything serious and was dating other people, I was more interested than taken aback. Likewise, she didnt seem put off when I told her that Id had a vasectomy and had plenty of thoughtful questions about why Id done that. Clearly, wed made some different decisions ab...

What You Should Know About Dating a Single Parent

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