John Kim

But more importantly, he saw how that made my wife at the time feel. Because he wasnt always like that. He had raised her with an iron fist and kept his emotions buried. It wasnt until he went through his own divorce that he started to really show himself and express his feelings. I remember watching this like a scene out of a father/daughter movie and thinking, Wow, hes not afraid to show himself, not only to his daughter, but also to me. Just hours before, he and I had been lifting weights and talking about motorcycles.

And yet there he was, sobbing because he was feeling his daughters pain. He apologized for not being present when she was going through high school. He apologized for not being there for her. He apologized for being an absent father. Then she started to cry. Then I started to cry. We were all crying inside this truck as we headed to the airport. And in that moment, my definition of what a real man looks like changed.

Theres something about the word vulnerability that repels men. And yet most of us can admit that vulnerability is a good thing, that it often leads to success, that it can give you strength. But theres a difference between watching and agreeing with the science-backed power of vulnerability on a TED talk and actually practicing it in real life. We keep vulnerability at arms length. We nod our heads. We agree. But we dont execute. We dont deploy. We hide.

Vulnerable is defined as capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt. And thats exactly how most men see it. Which is why we hold up our shield. We dont show ourselves through vulnerability and instead try to show ourselves in other ways: by fixing things, by paying our bills on time, by being the loudest one in the room. This conditioning runs deep. Its been passed down from our fathers and grandfathers who demonstrated that feelings are meant to be kept inside, and from locker rooms and fraternity houses where we were taught to man the fuck up.

As we enter adulthood, there is only more and more reason to hide our true selves. We get hurt. Our hearts harden. Talking about feelings is something women do. Were men.

But vulnerability isnt just about talking about your feelings. Its about showing your true self. For many of us, we dont show ourselves until we have to. Until theres something at stake. Until we lose something-a relationship, a marriage, a friendship, a business, and eventually ourselves. We get to a place where we have nowhere else to go. But until then, we bottle things up. And we cope by letting that shit come out in unhealthy ways. We develop and then feed addictions, become workaholics; we may even cheat, lie, get aggressive, or let ourselves be doormats.

But more importantly, if we dont show our true selves and express how we feel, we are denying ourselves. We are telling ourselves we dont matter. We are turning ourselves invisible.

Practicing vulnerability isnt about doing something for others. Youre not doing someone a favor. Youre not giving in. Youre creating soil, rich soil, for you and your growth. Youre raising your potential. Youre positioning yourself. Youre building a better, stronger you. Everything starts with your truth. Nothing can be built without it.

In doing thousands of sessions with couples for the last decade, Ive found the biggest complaint from women is that their partner is not vulnerable, not communicating, not showing himself and expressing his feelings. I want you to think about this. If I talked to your girlfriend/wife/partner/female colleague/lady friend, would she have the same thing to say about you? Be honest with yourself.

Everything starts with your truth. Nothing can be built without it.

Not showing vulnerability, not being transparent with the people in your life, creates a disconnect. Youre leaving the other person in the dark. Youre doing life around your partner instead of with your partner. He or she feels alone. Youre taking a crowbar to your relationship instead of producing glue, and you wont be able to build anything healthy and sustaining.

So ask yourself, Am I being vulnerable? Am I showing myself? Not just with your partner. In all your relationships. With friends. Coworkers. Employees. Your boss. Your children. Parents. Family. If not, why? Are you still holding on to old definitions of what a man looks like? If so, maybe its time to change your definitions. Because heres the truth: If you dont practice vulnerability, you will never reach your full potential as a father, brother, boyfriend, husband, friend, son, teacher, leader, entrepreneur, and human.

From I USED TO BE A MISERABLE F*CK : An Everymans Guide to a Meaningful Life. Copyright 2019 by John Kim. Reprinted with permission from HarperOne, a division of HarperCollinsPublishers.

Why Men Should Learn to Be More Vulnerable

I remember the first time I saw a man really be vulnerable. I was married at the time. My father-in-law was driving me and my then wife, his daughter, to the airport. She had been telling a story in the truck about how difficult high school had been. After hearing the story, my father-in-law started to cry. He had no idea she had been bullied. He thought she had had a great high school experience. I remember seeing the tears stream down his face, the hurt and empathy in his eyes.

This Is the Biggest Complaint Most Women Have About Their Partners

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This Is the Biggest Complaint Most Women Have About Their Partners