Men and women cant be friends because the sex part always gets in the way, Harry Burns, played by Billy Crystal, self-assuredly tells Meg Ryans Sally Albright at the films start. The movie then goes on to prove Harry right.
For a long time, Harrys wordswritten by Nora Ephron, who herself had a number of male friendswere quoted as a kind of gospel by romantics and cynics alike. But its sad to think about how many platonic relationships probably never came to be because of a fictional characters outdated beliefs. Thankfully, though, that dictum is often being proved wrong these days by those who are involved in meaningful friendships with the opposite sex.
Theres no reason to feel ashamed if you find that youve been friend zoned. In fact, it turns out that the friend zone is a good place to be. Platonic relationshipsi.e. close, non-sexual friendshipsbetween men and women can be real and viable and pretty great. Its a relief, not a stressor, to know someone of the opposite sex in a context that isnt mediated by sexual attraction, according to a number of people I spoke to.
Jen B., for instance, a 49-year-old New Yorker who works in technology hardware sales and asked that I not include her last name, wasnt used to the idea of being sidelined when she was rebuffed by a romantic interest 12 years ago. A man she found attractive and would have hooked up withhe is still listed as Hottie Abs in her phonejust wasnt into in her. At first, she was bummed out, which is understandable, but she soon got over it, because she found that his friendship was more important to her than some fleeting sexual encounter.
Overtime, they became very close friends, a situation that brought its own hidden benefits. She realized, for example, that she could go to him for relationship advice, and has found his input illuminating because it comes from a candid male perspectiveone she trusts. He is now married with two small kids, she says, but they are still friends to this day.
And she has gotten to know him so well that she realizes she wouldnt have wanted to be with him in the first place.
Kind of high maintenance, she says.
Harry Weger, a professor in the Nicholson School of Communication and Media at the University of Central Florida, who studies cross-sex relationships, says that platonic relationships are becoming more common as societal norms have loosened up. According to a study he conducted with a co-author, about 90 percent of college-age participants surveyed said they had a friend of the opposite sex.
Christopher Potter, a 46-year-old hospitality consultant in New York who has a number of female friends, was romantically interested in a DJ and music producer he came to know through his social network. But he soon found that he was happier being in the friend zone because he liked what it had to offer. For example, he says, he has found that having a close female friend whom he doesnt want to have sex with has opened him up to a unique kind of relationshipone that has fewer pressures but is still enriching.
Shes like a guy, he says of his friend. I can go months without talking to her and we can pick up right where we left off.
Andrew Spatz, a 46-year-old attorney, has maintained a platonic relationship with the same woman, who he describes as his best friend, since he was 13. They talk almost every day.
The best part about this friendship is that she will tell me what I need to hear, Spatz says, not what I want to hear.
They both had older sisters and share similar family values, Spatz says. Theyve both been through divorces. Their children are now friends.
She inspires the qualities that you want in a relationship, says Spatz, who describes this woman, who he asked me not to name, as his moral compass, his platonic soul mate.
Spatz and his soul mate, however, do sometimes feel sexual tension, but theyd both rather ignore it in favor of staying friendsand the fact that they are so close has allowed them to confront such tension head on.
The great thing is, we talk about it, Spatz tells me. Still, he hasnt entirely ruled out the possibility that he and his lady friend will get together at some point in the distant future.
We always kid around, he says. When were 99 years old, then maybe well think about it.