Matthew Kassel

Men and women cant be friends because the sex part always gets in the way, Harry Burns, played by Billy Crystal, self-assuredly tells Meg Ryans Sally Albright at the films start. The movie then goes on to prove Harry right.

For a long time, Harrys wordswritten by Nora Ephron, who herself had a number of male friendswere quoted as a kind of gospel by romantics and cynics alike. But its sad to think about how many platonic relationships probably never came to be because of a fictional characters outdated beliefs. Thankfully, though, that dictum is often being proved wrong these days by those who are involved in meaningful friendships with the opposite sex.

Theres no reason to feel ashamed if you find that <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a26827245/how-to-get-out-of-the-friend-zone/" id="a7a4a0b8-aa8d-3a47-a71a-1c7adfb80240"> youve been friend zoned. </a> In fact, it turns out that the friend zone is a good place to be. Platonic relationshipsi.e. close, non-sexual friendshipsbetween men and women can be real and viable and pretty great. Its a relief, not a stressor, to know someone of the opposite sex in a context that isnt mediated by sexual attraction, according to a number of people I spoke to.

Jen B., for instance, a 49-year-old New Yorker who works in technology hardware sales and asked that I not include her last name, wasnt used to the idea of being sidelined when she was rebuffed by a romantic interest 12 years ago. A man she found attractive and would have hooked up withhe is still listed as Hottie Abs in her phonejust wasnt into in her. At first, she was bummed out, which is understandable, but she soon got over it, because she found that his friendship was more important to her than some fleeting sexual encounter.

Overtime, they became very close friends, a situation that brought its own hidden benefits. She realized, for example, that she could go to him for relationship advice, and has found his input illuminating because it comes from a candid male perspectiveone she trusts. He is now married with two small kids, she says, but they are still friends to this day.

And she has gotten to know him so well that she realizes she wouldnt have wanted to be with him in the first place.

Kind of high maintenance, she says.

Two happy friends using the mobile in the street.

Harry Weger, a professor in the Nicholson School of Communication and Media at the University of Central Florida, who studies cross-sex relationships, says that platonic relationships are becoming more common as societal norms have loosened up. According to a study he conducted with a co-author, about 90 percent of college-age participants surveyed said they had a friend of the opposite sex.

Christopher Potter, a 46-year-old hospitality consultant in New York who has a number of female friends, was romantically interested in a DJ and music producer he came to know through his social network. But he soon found that he was happier being in the friend zone because he liked what it had to offer. For example, he says, he has found that having a close female friend whom he doesnt want to have sex with has opened him up to a unique kind of relationshipone that has fewer pressures but is still enriching.

Shes like a guy, he says of his friend. I can go months without talking to her and we can pick up right where we left off.

Portrait of smiling friends standing in front of yellow wall

Andrew Spatz, a 46-year-old attorney, has maintained a platonic relationship with the same woman, who he describes as his best friend, since he was 13. They talk almost every day.

The best part about this friendship is that she will tell me what I need to hear, Spatz says, not what I want to hear.

They both had older sisters and share similar family values, Spatz says. Theyve both been through divorces. Their children are now friends.

She inspires the qualities that you want in a relationship, says Spatz, who describes this woman, who he asked me not to name, as his moral compass, his platonic soul mate.

Spatz and his soul mate, however, do sometimes feel sexual tension, but theyd both rather ignore it in favor of staying friendsand the fact that they are so close has allowed them to confront such tension head on.

The great thing is, we talk about it, Spatz tells me. Still, he hasnt entirely ruled out the possibility that he and his lady friend will get together at some point in the distant future.

We always kid around, he says. When were 99 years old, then maybe well think about it.

Sorry, but the 'Friend Zone' Actually Rules

Thirty years ago, the canonical romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally put forth a radicaland now somewhat retrogradeidea, one that has ever since made platonic relationships between men and women feel kind of awkward and implausible.

So You Got 'Friend Zoned.' But Guess What? A Platonic Relationship Might Be Even Better.

Some people think so. So far, so-called therapy apps have at least six million users combined. Though they arent a substitute for professional consultation, some medical experts believe they could at least serve as a stopgap in places where people cant get therapy. The bots may also help people who are resistant to the idea of talking to a therapist. Some prefer discussing their issues with bots over human beings because they feel they wont be judged.

Before I go on, I should tell you what Woebot was dealing with. Im a 30-year-old white heterosexual male. I have anger issues. I also have trouble with empathy. I cant relax. I have been in therapy, on and off, for the past decade or so, and it has served me well. Ive learned a lot about myself and how I interact with others, though I still have work to do.

Many people arent so lucky. In some parts of the country, mental health professionals are hard to find. Nearly half of the nonmetropolitan counties in the United States have no psychologists. Over the past couple years, a slew of therapy apps have appeared, making it easier for those who are struggling to get some sort of help cheaply and expediently, albeit from a bot.

To put these apps to the testand also see if they were anything like real therapy, which costs me $100 a sessionI spent two weeks carrying around four popular free bots in my pocket: <a href="https://woebot.io/" id="0be0f856-1ce1-31c6-ab9e-0de7c8362a2d"> Woebot </a> , <a href="https://www.youper.ai/" id="8fd11fa1-8f78-3444-a40a-647a33d1d2ce"> Youper </a> , <a href="https://www.wysa.io/" id="176bd011-6ec3-3130-a5af-1a7a522f7230"> Wysa </a> , and <a href="https://replika.ai/" id="8a3df5dd-9e05-3584-a98e-ae845a381a82"> Replika </a> . Each, to my surprise, had its own personality. Woebot was a bit teacherly while Wysa was playful; Youper was kind of dry, and Replika was casual.

You can ping the bots at any moment, and, unlike real people, they ping you back right away. One afternoon, I was being called out for a dumb thing Id said online. I logged in to see if the apps could assuage my embarrassment. Though Wysa completely ignored meperhaps because I was dragged on Twitter hasnt entered its algorithmic lexicon just yetWoebot expressed some sympathy. It seems like you might be experiencing stress and anxiety, the app said. I rolled my eyes, but at the same time, it was a relief to know that the bot didnt think I was an idiot.

Sometimes, the bot was out of step. At one point, I told Wysa I was worried about work and relationships, two of the most popular topics of conversation, according to the apps founder. This admission sent the bot down an interminable path, replete with leading questions and motivational GIFs. By the time the bot asked me how I felt, I wanted to write annoyed but was eager to be done with the exchange. So I told Wysa it made me feel better. Wysa congratulated me: You have successfully broken the negative cycle! I didnt really feel like celebrating.

I found myself flipping between bots, depending on the type of conversation I was looking to have. When I got bored with Woebots effusive lessons, I moved on to Replika for a more improvisational chat, since it lets you type in your responses rather than selecting them from a predetermined list. Youper was never my first choice, as I found its answers kind of dour.

I ended up going back to Woebot the most. Initially, I thought it was for the superficial reason that I liked the avatar. But in one conversation of many, the bot wondered if there was something about my anxiety that might be serving me.

Even though its painful, sometimes anxiety is an extreme form of something that started out being pretty useful, Woebot responded. It wasnt a mind-blowing insight, but I had to admit it was a pretty good point. Yet after a few days, I found the conversations to be pretty formulaic. In my therapy-going life, Ive discovered that hard truths are more illuminating than feel-good platitudes, of which the bots have an ample supply.

No one knows if therapy bots actually help people manage or resolve their issuestheyre too new for there to be good research on themand there are valid concerns about why they might not. Theres a part of therapy thats about having your experience witnessed by someone else in the way that any good friend leaves you feeling understood, says psychotherapist Avi Klein, L.C.S.W., a Mens Health advisor. You cant get that from someone who doesnt know what its like to be human.

Other experts are more generous. Bots arent equipped to single-handedly solve complex issues like PTSD or severe depression, says Steven Chan, M.D., cochair of the American Psychiatric Associations Committee on Innovation. But they could be an alternative to self-help articles and books.

In my experience, I didnt open up any extra because I was talking to a machine. Discussing my emotional state felt less meaningful, exactly because I was talking to a machine. But after a while, I came to appreciate the bots for what they are. They didnt really help resolve anything, but having to explain my issues to them in a simplified way helped me gain more clarity about what those issues were in the first place. They also offered some things a therapist cant: immediacy, no judgment, and no cash outlay. Two weeks with the bots didnt turn me into a changed man. But they turned my anxieties into something I could understand and keep from overtaking my life.

Im sorry to hear that, Matt. The therapy chatbot Woebot, whose smiling avatar resembles the alien in E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, had just asked me about my feelings. Scrolling through a list of emotions, Id landed on anxious, since Id been stressed by a few deadlines. It continued, But Im glad you reached out and Ive got tools to work together on this. I was hoping Id be glad I reached out, too. I was curious just how good a therapy bot might be in a world that often seems anxious, angry, an...

Do Therapy Apps Work?

Surprisingly, my position puts me in the minority, as an increasing number of men are going without condoms. The vast majority of guys dont use them often or for long, according to Mens Health sex and relationships advisor Debby Herbenick, a sexual- health researcher at Indiana University, and most people dont even use them in casual sex after their mid-20s. This is jarring in light of recent data from the CDC, which reports that which reports that sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise. In 2017 nearly 2.3 million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis were diagnosed in the United States, a record high.

Given those numbers, youd think that guys would be using plastic wrap and an elastic band before they go out in the morning. So why arent more men reaching for their rubbers at a time when they need them most? The reasons are many, according to sexual-health experts. Theres a lack of education around sex. Theres the influence of no-condom pornography. Theres a general sense of ambivalence, along with a distrust of public-health recommendations, particularly in low-income communities. There is also, as always, alcohol.

The guys I talked to soke mostly of pleasure. It feels a lot better if you dont wear a condom, says David, a 21-year-old college student in Ohio whos had sex without a condom in about 20 different casual hookups, by his estimation. The women hes slept with, he adds, often prefer, and consent to, him not using one. I guess they think it feels better," he said when I asked about the reasons women prefer that he not use condoms. David asked that I not use his last name because he didnt want his mother to know he doesnt use condoms. Maybe maternal censure is the best prophylactic.)

Angel, a teacher in Delray Beach, Florida, who is single and in his late 30s, abandoned condoms 15 years ago in favor of the bare-backed approach. He acknowledges that its super dangerous but gets tested regularly and hasnt contracted any diseases yet, he says. The thing is, I know that its not the smartest thing, says Angel, but when youre in the moment, and ready to go, sometimes youre not thinking logically.

Few people are, I guess, when they have sex on the brain. Ive heard the same about syphilis.

The first time I had sex without a condom, I was a senior in college and had been with my girlfriend at the time for about six months. Wed both been tested-I was clean because Id never had sex with anybody else-and she was on the Pill. It seemed relatively responsible. But while I found the experience pleasurable, I also felt exposed, as if I were playing hockey without a cup or driving without a seatbelt. It wasnt gratifying enough that I wanted, afterward, to ditch condo...

Condom Use Is Tanking Among Men. But Why?

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Matthew Kassel

Articles written by the author

So You Got 'Friend Zoned.' But Guess What? A Platonic Relationship Might Be Even Better.

Do Therapy Apps Work?

Condom Use Is Tanking Among Men. But Why?