I really do.
But I have to, because journalism.
There is...
*Deep breath*
...a masturbation sleeve shaped like Heimrich, the caterpillar from A Bug's Life, available on Craigslist and eBay for $2,000.
As Vice reports , the horrifying object was designed by Austin-based artist Malek Lazri, who apparently has a thing for ruining people's childhoods. Disturbingly, the online listings describe it as "gently used."
"This is it, the holy grail, one of 4 in existence," the product description on Craigslist says. "1998 'a bugs life' promotional fleshlight, never publicly released only given to a select few high ranking pixar executives for personal use. 100% satisfaction guaranteed very light wear, gently used, do NOT SLEEP on this one folks!!!"
In reality, Pixar was not involved in the birth of this monstrosity. And it doesn't actually have an opening, meaning you can't put your penis in it. Which...kind of seems messed up? Like, if you're going to ruin people's day with a Heimrich-shaped masturbation sleeve, at least let it give people orgasms. But I digress.
Lazri told Vice he was inspired after seeing a meme of Heimrich as a Fleshlight. "I just thought it would be so great to make that a reality, to make it in real life" he told the outlet. "I put my own little spin on it."
For what it's worth, the story brought some joy to the Men's Health staff. "I think it's cute if you don't think of it as a Fleshlight," one coworker admitted.
Another made this very good meme.
You're welcome.