The fact that it felt so sudden only worsened the blow. Id gone in expecting another normal mammogram and walked out with what for some people is a death sentence. (Ladies, if thats not motivation to know your family history and stay on top of those routine mammograms, I dont know what is.)

I learned that the reason for the quick growth was that I had HER2-positive breast cancer . This meant my cancer had a protein that promotes the further growth of cancer cells, making it more aggressive and less receptive to hormone treatment. I opted for a mastectomy of my left breast, followed by multiple rounds of chemotherapy. To say that it rocked my world would be an understatement.

Everything was different after my diagnosis, including my sex life.

As a sex therapist and researcher, Ive spent decades helping people navigate the intricacies of intimate relationships . I have plenty of education, experience, and resources to help support my intimacy and sexual health. Yet when it was myself in this position of navigating this intense health situation, I was lost at first.

If and when you search for helpful info about sex and cancer, so much of what you come across in the online resources focuses on how your body will have to slow down (as you'd expect). Things like "painful," "uncomfortable," "dry," and "sudden-onset menopause" are all throughout articles and pamphlets. And there's no denying these very real side effects of breast cancer treatmentand they do impact your sexual desires and abilities. But we also need to be talking about how to reclaim your sex life, whatever that means to you.

So I felt compelled to share the most important steps I took and realizations I had about sex after breast cancer. At its core, this isn't so much about trying to maintain a perfect, happy sex life through one of the toughest chapters of life (though I'll get to some of that, too), but maintaining a healthy and happy mindset about sex.

First, that meant reminding myself that I\'m valued for who I am, not for how I perform.

While I was in the midst of treatment, sex wasnt really on my radar, to be honest. Receiving caring and nurturing love definitely was on my mind, but in a way Ive to this day never quite experienced before.

Ive always really struggled with the concept of taking a break and letting other people take care of me. But cancer forced me to shut off my type-A brain and focus on simply being rather than doing. I really struggled with that at first but I knew my body needed this break to heal.

So before I could even *think* about sex, I had to pause for a minute to recognize that I'm loved for everything that I am, and not for what I do or for my ability to be "on"in any aspect of life, be it sex, or at work, whatever. So step one really can be as simple as giving yourself permission to not think about sex at all.

Just because your doctor has given you the green light to resume sex doesnt mean you necessarily should. When you're ready, start by simply making room in your daily life for mini moments of intimacy instead of putting pressure on yourself to jump back into everything you did before. Your recovery will take time, and so will your return to your sexuality. That's okay.

I tried looking at my new body through a welcoming lens.

Like many women, I tied some of my self-worth to aspects of myself that I viewed as feminine. Losing my hair from the chemo and one of my breasts felt like I was losing not just my womanhood, but part of my very identity. I began to doubt myself.

I did this mental exercise: Think, okay, cancer is giving me an invitation to create a new relationship with my body and my sexuality. I can feel even stronger because of this.

I encourage you to explore your new body and really get to know it in its new form. Don't be afraid of physically becoming familiar with this different you. (Reminder: Your sex life also means physical and emotional intimacy with just yourself.) Decisions like reconstruction surgery, nipple tattoos, how to deal with scars are all very personal but theyre not flaws to be hidden, theyre part of what makes you a beautiful survivor.

You also may have to redefine sexand that can be seriously empowering.

Learning to rethink your concept of intimacy can be healing for breast cancer survivors who may feel that they lost control over their body for a time. Recognize that sex doesn't have to be penis-in-vagina intercourse to count as intimacy. A massage can be intimate. Taking a warm shower together can be intimate. Mutual masturbation, reading erotica together, you name it.

Broadening your definition of what intimacy can look like can even keep the door open to exciting new ways to explore sex and togetherness in your life after breast cancer, and that's a beautiful thing.

And when you\'re ready? You can still make sex great.

• Make lube your new best friend. Using lubricant might have felt optional for you before cancer but its a must for sex post-cancer. Ive learned that using certain oils can really help reduce dryness and pain and increase arousal. In fact, after my own experience with cancer, I created a sexual lubricant called Yoni Silk , made with coconut oil, vitamins D and E, damiana, and cannabidiol. (If you're not sure what ingredients will work well for your vagina, speak with your doctor first.)
• Have fun with foreplay. Take things slow, allowing arousal to build. This is super important for all women, but especially those who are struggling with sexual arousal or response due to physical or mental symptoms from cancer.
• Keep an open conversation with your doc about any sexual health issues. Youre going to be seeing your doctor plenty for follow-up care anyhow and theres no reason to hide this aspect of your recovery. It's not uncommon, especially if you received chemotherapy, to go through menopause after treatment, or experience menopausal symptoms. This may result in pain, or dryness, both of which can be helped. You can also ask for a referral to a gynecological physical therapist who can help with any skeletal or muscular issues that are creating the symptoms and work with you to promote relaxation and alleviate pain.
• Don't be afraid to put yourself first. Perhaps the most important thing I learned from cancer is that its okay to put myself first on my to-do list and, yes, that includes in the bedroom. I think this is something a lot of women really struggle with. We fake orgasms or have sex when we aren't in the mood, or we think of everything on our to-do lists during intimacy instead of enjoying the moment. And I think a lot of that comes from feeling like were not doing enough, that were not good enough just as we are. Cancer taught me to shut off those negative feelings.

Ultimately, what had at first felt like a curse turned into an amazing gift.

Youve probably heard a lot of doom and gloom about post-cancer sex. And, Im not going to lie, some of those things are true. There will be mental and physical issues that will pop up along the way, sometimes for years afterward, but you can deal with these and feel like you're in the driver's seat of your sex life again. In fact, it may even be better than before.

As told to Charlotte Hilton Andersen

Laura Berman , PhD, is a sex therapist, researcher, author of eight books, hosts Uncovered Radio, and has starred in several TV shows, including OWNs In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman.