Marissa Gainsburg

BDE is a quiet confidence and ease with oneself that comes from knowing you have an enormous penis and you know what to do with it," writer Allison P. David explained in the article. Its not cockiness, its not a power tripits the opposite: a healthy, satisfied, low-key way you feel yourself.

Women, obviously, cant have BDEat least not in the literal sense. The reality is, theres no true equivalent, either, like Tight P*ssy Power or Big Boob Energy. In this society of double standards (eff the patriarchy!), those labels are objectifying and strip the very thing theyre hoping to exude (dominance).

Which is why when I discovered an entirely new source of quiet confidence and ease, I knew I had to share it. This type has nothing to do with penises but everything to do with another piece of typically male-owned property. World, meet BTE: Big Truck Energy.

Big Truck Energy (BTE): The confidence and sense of empowerment that comes from driving a huge pickupor channeling the equivalent.

Before you @ me for being a gas-guzzling, confused city girl (which, FWIW, I kinda am), let me explain.

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of going on a short getaway to Greenport, a cute seaport on the North Fork of Long Island, New York. The itinerary included fishing, a winery visit, and stargazing on the beachthree activities that bring me that perfect blend of peace and joy. But the real power of the trip ended up having nothing to do with the events. It was the transformative feeling that came over me while driving the giant, decked-out 2020 pickup truck that I borrowed from GMC for the weekend.

I parallel parked this betch on the first try. Confidence? SURGED.

It took all but 10 minutesabout the time it took to pull out of the midtown garage and onto a moving Manhattan streetto transition from nervous AF to 100-percent *that bitch*. Between hopping into the truck like I would mount a horse (mine was lifted an extra two sexy inches), towering over lanes of taxis, Camrys, and Accords (a.k.a. every Uber in NYC), eyeing the spacious, carbon truck bed in my rearview mirror, and getting all kinds of surprised looks and comments from sidewalk bystanders ("Didn't expect to see you hop out of that!"), I felt like a different person. A better person. A cooler, more confident, less cautious version of myself.

It couldnt have come at a better time. A near year-long <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a27478820/situationship/" id="9f8a1c14-22df-3685-a19a-8c00e8710fc3"> situationship </a> that I thought was finally going somewhere had just, to use an auto-related euphemism, crashed and burned, and I was crushed. All the usual self-doubting questions swirled around in my head on repeat: What did I do wrong? Is there someone else? And the worst of all: Why wasnt I enough?

But as I drove the two-ish hours from the city to Greenport, something started shifting in my brain. I was sad, sureafter all, Id fallen for a guy for the first time after an eight-year, <a href="https://womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19950378/rules-for-getting-back-together/" id="d8a3546b-6d5b-318f-accd-afe94b9da3a6"> on-again/off-again relationship </a> , and Id finally let myself get excited about it. But I wasnt stressed or anxious, like I had been for days. Somehow, driving that truck gave me a sense of control and self-assuredness, two things I definitely didnt have even hours earlier. As the weekend went on and the reality of the situation hit me harder, I was surprised how quickly hopping back into the truck helped me, quite literally, dry my tears.

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw (on a concept that is admittedly so un-Carrie Bradshaw), I couldnt help but wonder: Is it possible that just driving a truck can work such magic on your soul? Could BTE bereal?

In short: yes. Theres a concept in fashion psychology (yeah, thats a thing) called enclothed cognition, which describes the phenomenon that happens when a person wears clothes that are designed for a certain purpose. <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022103112000200" id="aa034f6e-2356-31fb-a818-eb9a4a443cb2"> Research shows </a> that a doctor becomes more attentive when they wear a lab coat, much like wearing high-quality workout gear can subconsciously motivate you to go harder at the gym.

I know driving a vehicle isnt the same as wearing an outfitbut in my opinion, its even more enablingif it werent, cars wouldnt be the status symbol that they are today. And lets be honest: Trucks are bad-freaking-ass. You can trailor with them, tailgate with them (especially this one, it had a built-in outdoor speaker), haul anything and everything with them, sleep in them, and have some really fun <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19903570/car-sex-positions/" id="3b8531ab-f067-3cd7-a734-2880d21826a2"> car sex </a> in them. (I didnt get that far, but every country song leads to me to believe that...)

Theres also the fact that driving a big truck gives off its own body language on the road. Think about it: Experts say that standing or leaning over someone is an assertion of power, which helps explain why there are stages for keynote speakers and podiums for professors, and could explain why shorter people often feel intimidated by taller peers. By extension, a lifted truck should then be a guaranteed <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en" id="db1c5dd9-a5cd-3dff-a184-be9922c3c665"> power pose </a> for the person maneuvering it. I know no one tried to cut me off when I flew down the Long Island Expressway in my Sierra, and that was certainly a first.

Now, I know Im just taking a bunch of theories and throwing them together to draw conclusions, because thats what women do. But for the sake of real news, I also asked licensed psychologist <a href="http://sethgillihan.com/" id="c5ea8904-c809-3f38-a0c1-9c9d74c9324b"> Seth Gillihan, </a> PhD, for his expert opinion, to see if I was crazy. Turns out, I'm totally not (at least not about this).

"Trucks are large and wide, and settling into them involves a more spread-out position that encourages you to feel unapologetic for the space you take up," Gillihan says. "But they're also seen as strong, tough, no nonsense, and in charge. As such, you feel powerful in the driver's seat."

Obviously had to selfie in this baby (excuse the Snapchat blurriness).

What's more, he adds, "while some might be concerned that the feelings of power are false in some wayput on from the outside rather than grounded in ones beingour vehicles can also remind us of our inner strength and toughness. That can stay with us even after weve gone back to our Prius or minivan." (Or in my case, the subway.)

That explains my BTE in a nutshell. It wasn't just the sense of being literally elevated, it was the realization that if I got into an accidentif I swerved a little in the wrong direction, slammed on the brakes, or crashed and burned all over again, Id be just fine. Physically, yes, but emotionally, too, because I am strong and fierce and grounded and everything that a big shiny truck is at its core. As a writer, Im a sucker for a good metaphor, and this one stuck with me.

Of course, renting (or ya know, buying) a huge, souped-up truck might not be all that practical for you. No worries! The key is to find your own version of BTE, and channel it as often as you want or need.

\"The best thing about BTE is that you dont have to have a certain body part to tap into ityou just need to find the \'truck\' that\'ll help you reveal your inner badass.\"

Maybe its rocking a pair of studded combat boots that are nothing like any shoes youve worn before. Maybe its getting the secret <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19912072/nipple-piercings/" id="5be30ad4-b679-36d8-a7d6-b1d117f4a9e4"> nipple piercing </a> youve thought about for years. Maybe its something as extensive as learning a hard-core hobby, like clay shooting or SCUBA diving, or as simple as swiping on a sultry <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/beauty/a19997844/dark-lipstick-trend/" id="3ffbcf4a-2355-3273-a997-9dabafbdeac8"> dark lipstick </a> before work. It really doesnt matter. The best thing about BTE is that you dont have to have a certain body part to tap into ityou just need to find the truck thatll help you reveal your inner badass.

Taking the truck out for a day hike with my besties. We all felt the BTE.

As for me, I didnt lose all my BTE once I reluctantly handed the keys back. Instead of wondering, Why wasn't I enough? now I think, Maybe I was too much.

If that's the case, cool. I'll save my energy for someone who's interested in being my ride or die, not just a temporary passenger.

BTE Is The New BDE—And You Already Have It

Unless youve been living under a pop-culture-deprived rock (if so, where and can I join you?), you know all about BDE. A quick refresher, anyway, in case you forgot: Big Dick Energy and its beloved acronym first showed up on the OG creator of shorthand, Twitter, circa June 2018, then took off when New York Magazines <a href="https://www.thecut.com/2018/06/pete-davidson-ariana-grande-big-dick-energy.html" id="de1235e8-3207-354c-acd6-b263399ff18a"> The Cut </a> used the term to describe Pete D...

BTE—Big Truck Energy—Is The Confidence Boost You Didn't Know You Needed

Most of us operate in crisis mode for our relationship, only giving it sincere attention when theres a problem that needs fixing, says Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, a clinical psychologist practicing near Philadelphia. But a relationship is like a garden: Even when its doing well, weeds can grow and overtake it.

\"A relationship is like a garden: Even when its doing well, weeds can grow and overtake it.\"

Which is why the uptick in happy couples counselingseeing an expert long before the thought of Splitsville ever comes updeserves applause. The proactive approach, which, btw, is a prereq for marriage within the Catholic faith, will help you smooth over even the tiniest (or grandest) of issuesand simply amplify the love you feel for each other on a daily basis.

So without further ado, here are the top 10 pieces of relationship advice, brought to you by the sagest, realest relationship therapists out there...

Whether or not you're an optimist, chances are, you find something personal in your S.O.s actions when they disappoint you. Its natural because, well, relationships are personal. But 9 out of 10 times (if not all 10), your person has no intention of upsetting you.

Especially when were already in an irritated state, we have a hair trigger for taking things the wrong way and assuming the worst, says Gillihan. (And yet when our partner feels personally offended or attacked by something you do, youre probably annoyed that they dont just let you off the hook.)

But keep in mind that so many of our reactions are based on how we feel about ourselves, versus how someone else feels about us, as Gillihan explains. So try this: In the morning, tell yourself, Today, Im going to choose the most benign interpretation for whatever comes my way.

This mentality gives you the freedom to get over yourselfand can set an example for your <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28659664/exclusive-dating/" id="9a346ba5-1062-3720-a17d-2342eef2b358"> significant other </a> to do the same, he says. The result? You both can focus on all the goodand bounce back fast from any moments of accidental bad.

Speaking of interpretations, one thing that can mess them up is a psychology term known as projection.

Projection is, in short, when you transfer your own feelings about yourself or a situation onto someone else. While it's typically a subconscious habit, projecting leads you to assume that your partner feels a certain way when, in reality, they don't.

For example, if you've been cheated on in the past and have <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a26307613/what-is-gaslighting/" id="fc8bac6a-2479-345c-a13c-385c87ad4525"> trust issues </a> because of it (I mean, fair), you might interpret your partner's "You're acting weird" comment as an accusation that you're being disloyal. When in truth, they're just wondering why you've been less talkative for the past two days.

Whenever you can, try to pause and see a conversation or situation for what it really is, notice your own <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a27437438/relationship-insecurity/" id="cb225c8e-ffce-3163-a5e3-78ccf71d6837"> insecurities </a> and assumptions (ask yourself: Do I know X to be true?), and do your best to let go of the idea that you know what your S.O. is feeling, says Gillihan. You'll never truly know unless you ask them.

Derek Hough and girlfriend Hayley Erbert have the whole happy-healthy-relationship thing down pat. Peep them in action:

<h1> 3. Stop should-ing on each other. </h1>

Should is perhaps the worst word in the English language, at least where relationships are concerned. It creates a sense of injusticethat something ought to be different from how it is, says Gillihan. But most of the time, what follows the verb is a personal wish or preference, not an actual truth.

If you believe at all in fate, it helps to just trust that whatever your partner did or didnt do happened because thats how the <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/horoscopes/" id="5d33cc01-be87-3379-a743-aaae56d34e45"> universe was aligned </a> (for some reason beyond anyone's knowledge). If you dont, thats totally finebut reframing your mindset can help you escape any sense of bitterness or indignation. So express what you want as a desire: I wish you could come home earlier so we could spend more time together, or I d love it if you helped more with the dog.

Anyone can debate a should, notes Gillihan, but who can argue with a wish? Even if they cant make it happen, they wont feel as if theyre doing something wrong right off the bat.

You think you listen to your other half, but...do you?

Listening is a verb, not just a passive "you're talking and I'm not" process. It requires silencing your own thoughts and feelings so you can truly tune in to someone else's.

"Everyone wants to feel heard, but a lot of couples dont feel heard as time goes on, and that creates a lot of problems," says Rachel Sussman, LCSW, a relationship psychotherapist in NYC. "Of course, it's important to express yourself, but you first have to step back and listen."

Sussman's suggestion? After your partner tells you how they feel, repeat back to them what you understand them to be saying. Then say, "Do you feel like I heard you now? Do you feel understood?" If they say no, ask them to please help you get a better grasp on what they're saying.

And remember this: Even if you don't agree with your partner, you want to validate their feelings. You are a totally different person with different experiences and perceptions, so you won't always see eye-to-eyebut if you want your relationship to grow, you should always, always let them know that they aren't wrong for feeling the way they do.

<h1> 5. Look for opportunities for sincere thank you's. </h1>

Research shows gratitude is the secret to a happy lifeand it's a necessary ingredient for a happy 'ship, too.

Think about it: Relationships take work, and like at the office, not being acknowledged for putting in time and effort can make you feel unappreciated and even resentful.

So take notice of moments when your partner does something even remotely selfless and kind for you, and thank them for it. Acknowledge things that they wouldn't expect you to point out, like picking up your favorite bottle of wine on their way home or making quinoa instead of their preferred rice because you're cutting back on refined carbs.

"Saying thank you can go a very long way, and it's a reciprocal effect," says Gillihan. Meaning: Make an effort to show more gratitude toward bae and they will likely do the same toward you, amping the loving feeling.

<h1> 6. Partner up when life gets crazy. </h1>

When were overwhelmed, we often bring so little to our relationship, says Sussman. Read: You flake on seeing the new Marvel movie with your partner on Sunday so you can get some work done, or you hardly even kiss them before bed because you're so exhausted.

The right equation is to be your best and most loving self at home, so the strength of your bond gives you strength to handle everything else. Preach!

Always ask yourself if youre putting as much into your relationship as you are into your career, exercise goals, friendships...\"

When you know work is about to heat up, tell your S.O., Im about to go through a really busy time, and Im nervous I wont be able to put the energy into our relationship that we both expect. What else can I do to help us this month? The solution may be to cut back on social engagements or to schedule breakfasts together instead of dinners you know youll end up missing.

Always ask yourself if youre putting as much into your relationship as you are into your career, <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a26522162/health-goals-to-reach-before-30/" id="209f84dc-76d1-35cd-a336-3fc0e8dc2b4e"> exercise goals </a> , friendships, Sussman adds. Then make shifts as necessary.

<h1> 7. Create a shared goals calendar. </h1>

You have goals, your partner has goalsbut what about ones you can pursue as a couple? Its important to envision achieving or doing something as a unit to keep your bond superstrong, says WH advisor "Dr. Chloe" Carmichael, PhD, a clinical psychologist in NYC.

Create a calendar for financial, travel, or hobby goals, she says. (Like: Visit Japan, learn salsa.) This helps you see yourselves together in the future, encourages discussion around lifestyle choices, and reminds you to support one another with accountability and by working off each others momentum.

Plus, planning a future beyond the big stuff (ahem, babies and shiny new houses) can be just plain funand lift you out of the boring day-to-day.

I'm not talking about sex here, though that is incredibly important in a relationship, too. I mean the kind of intimacy that comes from <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a23008082/foreplay-tips-and-ideas/" id="d2af632d-b0e7-3097-a184-45993d323dd4"> physical touch </a> , genuine eye contact, mutual smiling, etc.all the tiny moments that make your heart swell.

"These are the things that remind your partner that you're in this together, that you choose them and are happy you did," Sussman says.

Touch your S.O. when they're making coffee (a quick hug around the waist does the trick...just be careful not to make them spill), look at them in the eyes when they tell you about their day, take showers together, sleep naked, snuggle...you know, the PG stuff that makes the day-to-day that much more special.

"If you notice thats declining, it could be the time to take a moment and talk to yourself about whyis it on your end, theirs, or both?" Sussman notes. If increasing your own initiation of this type of intimacy doesn't lead to them doing the same, you may want to consider seeing a couples therapist, who can help you both figure out underlying issues.

Repeat after me: No matter how well your person knows you, they will never know exactly what's going on inside your head at all times. So don't expect them to...ever. You'll save yourself a lot of drama by voicing your thoughts once you've had a chance to process and collect them, Dr. Chloe notes. (And I co-sign.)

That said, you probably harbor a lot of thoughts that you may never voice for one reason or anotherand your partner could be doing the same. Perhaps they don't feel like you'd receive them well, or that their voicing concern wouldn't lead to beneficial change, anyway, so they suck it up and move on.

While that's not a huge deal on an occasional basis for minor things (like, them being annoyed that you can never decide what you want for dinner), holding things in regularly won't end well.

So do your part to get your S.O. to open up by checking in from time to time. In a casual, nonconfrontational way (perhaps when you're in the car), ask them, "How are you feeling about us these days? Is there anything I could be doing more or less of to support you?"

Oftentimes, just your taking a minute to ask is enough to make them feel the love.

The security of a long-term relationship (and marriage, obviously) is freaking fabulous. But a common price for that is how used to your partner you become. There comes a point when were looking at a projection or memory of the person, not who they are in 3-D at that moment, says Gillihan. That leads you to make assumptions about what they need based on their pastnot their present.

And, of course, people (yourself included) evolve as time goes on, and when you're with someone for the long haul, its on you to recognize how. So whenever you canon your next date night, while theyre making the coffee, after they get back from a runtake a second to stop and really see your partner with fresh eyes.

Think of three kind or impressive things they did recently, and feel the feels for them. Then instead of I love you, try saying, I see you. Their reaction could be pretty stunning.

The BEST Relationship Advice You'll Ever Hear

You visit your gyno for your annual exam, eat healthy to avoid disease, and exercise to keep your body strong, but what do you do to nurture your relationship on a regular basis? Just a guess: not a whole lot. That's a huge shame, because good relationship adviceparticularly when it comes from pros schooled in the field of psychologycan take any solid-gold love to diamond-level strong.

10 Best Pieces Of Relationship Advice, Straight From Couples Counselors

2) MINUTE 2 DEADBUG This builds the deep core muscles for stability. Lie faceup, arms toward ceiling, legs up and bent 90 degrees. Engage abs and keep lower back on floor as you extend right arm overhead and lower left leg to floor. Hold, then alternate. Ben Ritter

3) MINUTE 3 FULL ROLL-UP Now its time for functional (IRL) movement. Lie faceup, knees bent, feet on floor. Extend arms forward and draw navel in to lift torso one vertebra at a time. Slowly lower until shoulder blades touch floor; repeat. Ben Ritter

4) MINUTE 4 TABLETOP HEEL TAP Blast those lower abs: Lie faceup, legs lifted and bent 90 degrees, tailbone tucked. Slowly lower heels to graze floor; pause, making sure lower back stays on floor, then slowly bring knees back over hips. Repeat. Ben Ritter

5) MINUTE 5 HIP TIP CRUNCH Create top-to-bottom tension: Lie faceup, legs toward ceiling, hands behind head. Lift hips off floor as you crunch from torso (not neck). Lower hips but dont release; repeat. Ben Ritter

6) MINUTE 6 BICYCLE CRUNCH Ready to get your obliques in on the action? Lie faceup, hands behind head, legs up and bent 90 degrees. Engage abs as you extend right leg and twist torso left; alternate. Ben Ritter

7) MINUTE 7 QUADRUPED PLANK TAP Top off with a position change to take some pressure off your spine. Start on all fours, back neutral, then lift knees off floor. Slowly touch right hand to left knee; alternate. --- A version of this content originally appeared in the September 2019 issue of Women's Health. Ben Ritter

When You Have Only One Minute To Work Out, Make This Move Your Go-To

Women are anatomically programmed for back-to-back orgasms, thanks to that little (but grand) thing called a <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a26962405/what-is-a-clit/" id="cf8ccf67-65f5-3e89-a335-bc65b3317319"> clitoris </a> .

"The clitoris is the only organ designed entirely for pleasure, so we are set up to experience as much of it as we want," says <a href="http://drhollyrichmond.com/" id="a026e8d8-d21f-37ff-a0d0-7c0d9b69561d"> Holly Richmond </a> , PhD, a psychologist and certified sex therapist with offices in California, New Jersey, and Oregon.

\"Its like the evolutionary biologist was, like, \'Well, we have to give women something or they\'re never going to want to have sex.\'\"

"Unlike for men, when we have <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19970497/types-of-orgasm/" id="fd8804a4-a82b-32d4-a8e1-68f89c101e46"> orgasms </a> , it has nothing to do with procreation, so there's no physiological delay before we can 'release again,'" she explains. (That delay is called the refractory period, and it happens so that men can build up more sperm-packed semen, evolutionarily speaking.) "Its like the evolutionary biologist was, like, 'Well, we have to give women something or they're never going to want to have sex."

Of course, the clitoris isn't the only lady part that, when stimulated, leads to climaxbut it is the most common source of one. (Your clit has three to four times the amount of nerve endings as the head of a penis, btw, so it's ber-sensitive.)

The other big player in the female finish? Your brain. So much of your O potential revolves around your ability to be in the moment, and let's face it: Your head can make that pretty impossible at times.

And while having several toe-curling releases in a single rompwhether they're 30 seconds apart or 30 minutes apartis no doubt fun and exciting, there are legit health benefits, too. You get a double (or triple) dose of the bonding hormone oxytocin, which not only boosts your mood and curbs stress, but also increases affection for yourself and your partner, Richmond adds.

If you have a clitoris and you have a brain, you are indeed capable of the elusive (not to mention, incredible) multiple-orgasm sex session. Here's how to make it happen tonight:

In order to prime yourself for multiple orgasms, you first have to get yourself, quite literally, in the mood for sex.

"Desire happens in our mindsit's when we want to want," says Richmond. It's the "Ooh, I see you" moment that occurs when you spot a good-looking guy or woman in the Starbucks line or catch a raunchy scene in a Sex and the City rerun. Arousal, on the other hand, is the physiological sensation that follows: the vaginal tingling and/or wetness that prepares your body for sex (even if you're not about to have it).

Before you can get arousedwhich is crucial for not only your initial O, but every single one that comes after it (pun intended)you have to feel desire.

So figure out what turns you ona bubble bath? a dirty martini? hardcore porn?and spend as much time as you need on that until you're ready to jump some bones.

Now that you're excited (yay!), the next step is to suss out what makes you roar.

"Self-exploration is the baseline for female sexual pleasure," says Richmond. There's no way to tell or show your partner what you want without first knowing what you want, so masturbation is key.

Massage your clit, finger yourself, bring in a <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/g28613773/best-rabbit-vibrators/" id="1bdae840-3954-32f5-a7dd-2bae556a01fa"> vibrator </a> , watch various types of porn, play around with moisture (do you like a little spit or a lot of lube?)...just experiment until you've found what gets you off alone.

"There's way less pressure to orgasm when you're by yourself versus with a partner," Richmond notes, "so you're much more likely to figure out exactly what makes you come when you're on your own."

Once you've brought your partner into it, do yourself a favor and delay the main event.

"Foreplay is an incredible opportunity to really create and stay in that space for yourself where you <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a27788802/how-to-be-sexy-tips/" id="0e29ed93-d3e4-301b-a000-c647cb61619f"> feel sexy </a> and turned on," Richmond explains. "By spending extra time touching, kissing, and teasing, you have a chance to get out of your head and focus on all the different sensations that are happening."

Did you know it takes most women at least 20 minutes to reach their first orgasm? Not only does your body need time to prime itself for sex (read: self-lubricate), your mind also needs time to truly tune in the action. (It's that whole brain thing, remember?)

"Orgasming is all about a balance of mental and physical stimulation," says Richmond. (Though some women can rely solely on their mind to climax, they're a rare breedand can only do so because of some memory or fantasy of what the experience would feel like.)

Once you are there, it's much easier to want to keep going after your first orgasm so that you can be well on your way to a second.

About that "your body priming itself for sex" bit? I'm talking lubrication. Without it (or enough of it), sex can be uncomfortable or downright painful.

If you need some extra moisture, no shame! You might want to add in a <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/g19060819/best-natural-lubes/" id="7ce566f8-6199-3fae-a89b-e7002475081f"> water- or silicone-based lubricant </a> especially if you're going for your second or third orgasm.

You see, post-orgasm, your previously wet vagina becomes a little drier (okay, sometimes a lot drier), since it no longer has a rush of blood flooding your genitals. When that happens, you're probably not going to love the feeling of a penis, finger, or toy being shoved inside or rubbed around your clitoris, so you're much less likely climax again.

Worried all the sexing will stretch out your vag? Here's the real truth:

There's a growing concept in the world of sex research (bless scientists, tbh) called "mindful sex," and it's all about what it sounds like: getting your mind in on the action.

"It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to climax when you're not noticing how good things are feeling in your body," explains Richmond. In order to do that, though, you have to be in the present moment...which anyone who is anyone knows is rather challenging.

Don't worry, thoughRichmond has several tricks to bring yourself back to the present to get that much closer to getting off:

<ul><li> Deepen your breath and focus on the sound and feeling of each inhale and exhale. </li><li> Look at where your partner is touching you, then close your eyes and zone in on what you're feeling in that spot. </li><li> When a distracting thought pops up, acknowledge it, then return to thinking, "X feels good on Y." </li></ul>

<h1> 6. Know what will work for you...again. </h1>

"In my practice, I've notice there's about a 50/50 split between women who need to change positions in order to achieve a second orgasm and those who are like, 'Don't change a thing,'" says Richmond.

It may be that whatever your partner is doing to youfingering and licking, slow thrusting and hitting <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19927155/how-to-find-your-own-g-spot/" id="4f3ae550-e834-309f-a875-068d3e07105f"> your G-spot </a> , grinding as they <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a22514579/how-to-use-anal-beads/" id="d5a9744c-1595-3aab-a32f-245c1278e9d0"> insert anal beads </a> is working perfectly for you, and that's exactly how you'll orgasm for a second time.

On the flip side, you might need a new setup or type of stimulation to get there again, and that's okay, too. Experiment to figure it out...you can always go back to what you were doing before, or skip to ahead to an entirely new thing. You do you, when they're doing you.

<h1> 7. Stop thinking about your orgasm, or the next one. </h1>

This may sound a bit counterintuitive, but the more you think about having multiple orgasms, the less likely you are to have them.

Why? Because "the more performance-based we are, the less we are in our bodies and focused on the experience," Richmond explains.

When you start overthinking the whole thing, you're no longer relaxed about it...and that kind of tension is exactly what prevents you from release.

\"When you treat orgasms as a bonus of sex and not the goal, you\'re suddenly much more able to have them.\"

"It's funny," says Richmond, "when you treat orgasms as a bonus of sex and not the goal, you're suddenly much more able to have them."

And there you have it folks: Prepare your mind and body for max pleasure...then let nature (your nerve-packed clitoris) take over from there.

Reaching orgasm can be hard enough to happen once during sex, let alone twiceor gaspthree times? The idea of having multiple orgasms might sound like a total mytha straight-up bedroom unicorn, if you willbut it is, in fact, totally real...and possible. Yes, even for you.

You Can Totally Have Multiple Orgasms—And It's Easier Than You Think

The newly coined term dead bedroom describes a relationship that remains sexless for an extended period of timeas in, months or, yikes, years. And its incredibly common.

Not only is there <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/" id="89d4a3e3-2c29-3faf-a757-40198cdc861a"> an entire (very active) reddit thread devoted to "dead bedroom," </a> but 51 percent of respondents (18 to 65 years old) in a recent survey by BodyLogicMD reported a dry spell that ended within a year. What's more, 39 percent reported theirs lasting between one and five years.

Whats even more eye-opening? The causes: Stress at work topped the list of reasons why people got into sex draughts, while weight gain came in second. But both problems can be fixed by addressing the third culprit: a lack of communication.

If youre overwhelmed at the office or down on yourself, talking to a therapist can help lift confidence and ease worries so you not only feel sexier but can better express your needs.

Sensing that you and your partner are out of touch? Consider seeing a professional togethermutual support breeds emotional intimacy, which breeds, well, the physical kind.

A version of this article appeared in the September 2019 issue of Women's Health.

‘Dead Bedroom’ Relationships Are Way Common

'Dead Bedroom' Relationships Are Super-Common

1) Traditional Spoon Ah, Traditional Spoon, how I love thee. This classic (for a reason, natch) position requires minimal effortbut with the tips aboveresults in maximum pleasure. Win! Do It: Both of you lie on your sides, facing the same direction. You bring your knees up slightly while your partner slides up behind your pelvis and enters you from behind. Emily Schiff Slater

2) The Spork Okay, so this is more like a half-spooning position, but who's counting? All this tweak takes is a minor shift in form on your end (you just flip onto your back and lift a leg) for your to get some direct grinding action on your clitoris. Yum. Do It: Flip onto your back while your partner stays on their side. Then raise your left leg so they can position themself between your legs at a 90-degree angle and enter you. Your legs will form the tines of a spork (that's a spoon-fork combo, ICYDK). Emily Schiff-Slater

3) Reverse Scoop As far as I'm concerned, spooning is less about your heads facing the same direction and way more about your bodies cocooning into each other. I mean, there's no reason you can't have spooning sex while looking into each other's eyesso meet the Reverse Scoop. Do It: Flip your body to face your partner, and pull their body close to yours as they enter you. Intertwine your legs, and go (read: grind) at it. Emily Schiff-Slater

4) Seated Spoon Who said you can only spoon while lying down? This tweak on the Traditional Spoon ensures serious <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19927155/how-to-find-your-own-g-spot/" id="c57fb859-7828-331b-ada8-378641f8cc91"> G-spot stimulation </a> and changes up the view of your hot bodies. Do It: Have your partner sit on the edge of the bed or on a chair. Then you sit on top of them, facing away. Emily Schiff-Slater

Spooning Sex Shouldn't Be A Cop Out—Here's How To Make It Hot AF

2) Lying Doggy The Lying Doggy is perfect for shallow penetrationwhich you should definitely try if you haven't already. Most of the nerves in the anus are in the first two inches of the opening, so this is a great way to get that stimulation even if you're an anal sex beginner. Do It: Lie on your stomach, and have your partner lie directly on top on of you, entering from behind. Have him balance on his elbows for optimal comfort. Emily Schiff-Slater

3) Backdoor Missionary Anal sex positions are often a face-away-from-each-other kind of deal, but this one allows you and your partner to get some eye-contact in during sex. That adds to the whole intimacy thing. Do It: Have your partner enter you from the missionary position. Keep your knees pressed against his side to control how deep he goes, putting your hands on his chest for extra resistance. You can also add a pillow underneath your hips, to get the pelvis in the perfect place for penetration. Emily Schiff-Slater

4) The Caboose Don't you love that this position is called the Caboose? While it's a must-try for regular penetration, it's a really sweet one for anal, if you can call anal sex that. You're attached from the torso to your legs and can kiss each other to up the romance. Do It: While he sits on the bed or a chair, back yourself into his lap and spoon each other while seated. Emily Schiff-Slater

5) Back It Up If youre interested in standing anal sex positions, this is a great choice. It's ideal for shallow penetration, giving your nerve-rich anal opening plenty of attention. The skin-to-skin contact is also super romantic and sexy. Do It : Have your partner kneel against the bed and you lie across the edge, leaning on one side with your back (and obviously butt) facing him. Lean back into his penis. Swivel your hips to control the speed and motion. Emily Schiff-Slater

6) Spoon Oh, spooningthe lazy girl's move for vaginal, and now anal, sex. This position is great when you don't want to make eye contact (sometimes, especially when your partner is up your backdoor, you don't want to) or feel like busting out crazy moves. Plus, skin on skin is hot. Do It: Both of you lie on your sides, facing the same direction. You bring your knees up slightly while your partner slides up behind your pelvis and enters you from behind. Emily Schiff Slater

7) Leaning Cowgirl Anal sex in the cowgirl position is especially hot because it gives the person on top all of the control. It's also super easy for you and your partner to reach around and finger your vagina or rub your <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a26962405/what-is-a-clit/" id="cf8ccf67-65f5-3e89-a335-bc65b3317319"> clitoris </a> . Do It: Have you partner lie down faceup, then straddle them. Slowly slide yourself down at your own pace. Lean forward, placing both hands on your partner's chest or shoulders. Emily Schiff-Slater

8) Backsided Lotus Regular Lotus is touted as one of the most intimate and romantic positions there is. Make it the anal version, and you take that intimacy up a notch (okay, several). Here, you're as close to your partner as possible, and get some eye-contact time that can be oh-so-hot. One note: He'll likely feel pretty deep, so go slow. Do It: Have your partner sit on the bed or couch. Climb on top of his lap. Slide down so youre face-to-face. Emily Schiff-Slater

9) Reverse Cowgirl Reverse cowgirl may not be your favorite for regular P-in-the-V action (though your partner probably LOVES it), but in the anal sex world, the position is clutch. You get to control his depth and thrusting pattern with relative ease. Do It: Have your partner lie on his back. Straddle him backward and slide down at your leisure. Have your partner stimulate your clit, while you offer them an ultra-sexy view of your backside. Emily Schiff-Slater

10) Spork The Spork is really, really hot for any kind of sexthere's the intimate eye contact, the intertwined legs, and the slightly twisted angle of penetration. Try it as an anal sex position and it might become your favorite. Do It: While you lie on your back, raise your right leg so he can position himself between your legs at a 90-degree angle and enter your anus. Emily Schiff-Slater

11) Tilted Doggy Doggy style is the classic anal sex position for a reason: It's perfect for deep penetration, and you can arch your back for even deeper thrusts, which can help target that infamous <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a-spot-orgasm" id="b2ad45e1-733e-3d16-aec7-fbc574a949dc"> A-spot </a> . Do It: Get on all fours, and have your partner enter you from behind. From here, your partner can (and should) easily stroke your nipples or clitoris, too. Emily Schiff-Slater

12) Standing Doggy The only thing that makes anal even hotter? Turning the <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/g19565291/kinky-sex-positions/" id="53d77681-53af-3670-a5d5-9db33242586b"> kink </a> up, by having you bend forward and your partner restrain your wrists (even if it's just with his hands). It's a gentle foray into <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19957328/bdsm-beginners-guide/" id="36232ce8-3d09-38e2-a14e-caaf3a0d44b0"> BDSM </a> ... Do It: With both of you standing, bend over at the waist. Have him enter you from behind as he grips your wrists and holds them by your sides. Emily Schiff-Slater

13) Full Throttle Calling all anal veterans! If youre a gal who loves deep penetration, this (appropriately named) position is a must-try. Not only does the angle give him full entry, you're also in the perfect setup for a finger or two (or a toy) inside your vagina. The result? Total fullness. Do It: Lying on your back, bring your legs up to your shoulders. Have your parnter enter you from above, using his hands to balance above you. Emily Schiff-Slater

14) The Snake If youre someone who regularly engages in anal sex, you'll really love this position. Raising your hips makes him feel deeper and allows you to reach under you to stimulate your clit with a toy. There's also something really hot about the submissiveness that comes with having half your body (consensually!) pushed into the bed. Do It: While on your knees, lean forward and place your chest on the bed. Have your partner enter you from behind. For deeper penetration, have your partner lean back and hold your hips to pull you in. Emily Schiff-Slater

15) Pile Driver This might be one of the most advanced (and extreme, I must say) anal sex positions out there. For one, you need to be able to take all of him inside, since he's more or less sitting on top of your rear. Two, you can't move around much, so you have to be able to withstand all the action, at least for a bit. And three, look at that flexibility! Do It: Lie on your back and bring your legs up over your head. The more flexible you are the better. Try to get your butt as high in the air as possible.Have your partner lower himself onto you. He should have great access to lean down and stimulate your clitoris. Emily Schiff-Slater

15 Anal Sex Positions To Try, From Beginner To Advanced

2) The Chairman Are you lucky/fancy enough to have one of those seat-shelves in your shower? If not, did you take my advice and buy one yet? You need to: This seated rear-entry position is the perfect shower choice if you like <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19953758/make-girl-on-top-even-hotter/" id="cc141328-add8-3e48-ae39-2f51b839127c"> girl-on-top </a> . Do It: Have your partner sit on the bench with feet on the floor. Facing away from them, sit on their lap, straddling them (you choose how wide to spread your legs based on your stability). As you pump up and down, your hands will be free to play with your clit or any other erogenous zones. You can even have your partner hold your wrists so you can lean forward and go at it at an angle. Fun! Emily Schiff-Slater

3) Face-Off Heres another position that'll help you make good use of that shower seat. Do It: With your partner sitting down, straddle them, facing forward with your knees and/or shins on the bench for leverage. Grind against your partner, bracing the wall for balance if need be.The pressure of his pubic bone against your clitoris should feel pretty darn stimulatingbut if your knees or legs start to hurt, try pretzeling them behind your partner's back. Emily Schiff-Slater

4) Upstanding Citizen This position might also be easiest with a shower shelf seat, but thats not completely necessary. That said, you may not want to start with this positionthink of it more like your finale. Do It: With your back pressed against the wall, have your partner enter you from the front: You can wrap both your legs around their waist, or if thats too slippery in the shower, try dropping one foot to the floor and leaving one lifted. Emily Schiff-Slater

5) Corkscrew When in doubt, lying down and bracing yourself against a surface is a safe strategy for shower sex. You have to have a thicker-rimmed shower/bathtub situation for this position to work, but you could also bring in a temporary bench. Do It: Rest on your hip and forearm on one side of the tub, shower shelf, or bench, and press your thighs together. Have your partner stand behind you and enter, keeping your legs closed for a tighter hold as he thrusts. Emily Schiff-Slater

6) Ballet Dancer For another fun front-facing position (that requires a little less balance on your partner's end), this is a great option. Do It: With your partner standing and positioned to enter you from the front, bring one leg up to brace against the edge of the tub or your shower wall for extra support and thrusting leverage. The change in angle adds a stimulating twist to a shower standard, and the added sensation of warm water on your back definitely doesnt hurt. Emily Schiff-Slater

7) Champagne Room So this move might look a little blah, but trustit isn't. You get some deep P-in-the-V action (go ahead and touch your clit, or have him reach one hand around to do it himself), he gets to rest (a bit), and you both get a break from all the weird wet kissing. Because let's be honest...warm water never tastes good (nope, not even during sex). Do It: Have your partner sit on the edge of the tub or your handy bench, then sit on top of him, facing away. Simple! Emily Schiff-Slater

8) The Caboose No one in their right mind would tell you to have sex lying down in the shower (hello, drowning?). But there's no reason you can't have sex sitting down, on the shower floor. In fact, there's every reason TO go for it: You can't fall if you're already on flat ground. Do It: Position the shower head so that it will hit your bodies (not faces), then have your partner sit on the shower floor, hands behind him to prop him up. Then sit in front of him and scootch your hips until you're sitting on top of him. Note: You'll be the one doing most of the riding (and pro tip: circular grinding) here, since his tush hitting the hard tile over and over won't feel so good. Show him what you've got! Emily Schiff-Slater

9) Table Top One thing that makes shower sex (and standing sex in general, tbh) harder? A big height difference. So to make up for any gaps, this should be your go-to. Do It: Prop yourself onto the tub ledge or bench and have your partner enter you while you hold onto the closet surface. If you're completely stable, place your feet on his chest, in front of his shoulders, to better control his tempo and depth of thrusts. Emily Schiff-Slater

10) Wheelbarrow If you're feeling a little more ambitious (and #WHstrong), consider the wheelbarrow position. Word of caution, though: You definitely want that non-slip bath mat, and point the water to be nowhere near your head. (So you can breathe...okay, pant.) Do It: Get on your hands and feet, and have your partner pick you up by the pelvis. Then, wrap your thighs around their waist for support as your partner thrusts. This position allows for some super-deep penetration, and the warm water hitting your body at the same time will feel incredible. Emily Schiff-Slater

10 Sex Positions For Seriously Hot Shower Sex

25 Fall Date Ideas That Put Dinner And A Movie To Shame

"The hand job definitely doesn't happen enough in adult bedrooms," says <a href="https://vmtherapy.com/" id="bd19a9d4-c92c-3e98-a511-57240014af1f"> Vanessa Marin </a> , a licensed sex therapist in Los Angeles. "Its a huge shame because a hand job is a great way to bring pleasure to your partner."

The reasons are two-fold: One, he gets the opportunity to watch his sexy partner (you) take the reins on something he typically does himself. And two, when you do something that you don't engage in often, the act becomes infinitely hotter. Simply because it's novel.

"Our brains crave newness," Marin says-even for something that's totally old-school.

While you're revamping your sex life, you may as well know how it stacks up with others':

So here's how to give a good hand job, in case you (a) forgot, or (b) skipped that step on your way to be becoming a full-blown sex goddess...

<h1> 1. Start with a conversation about hand jobs. </h1>

Good sex starts with knowing what you and your partner want-and being able to talk about it. The hand job, despite its "basic" nature, is no exception.

"The easiest way to find out what works for him is to ask him how he likes to touch himself," says <a href="http://drhollyrichmond.com/connect/" id="a84178c2-40dc-3568-a4d4-33bb6e77dbe9"> Holly Richmond </a> , PhD, a certified sex therapist and licensed marriage therapist with practices in L.A., New Jersey, and Portland, Oregon. "Have him show you what he does when he's on his own, and really watch."

Not only will you get a general idea of the speed and motion he uses, you'll also likely be turned on.

"For many women [and men], watching their partner masturbate is a huge turn-on," Richmond adds. And getting in the mood to give a good handy is half the battle (amirite?).

<h1> 2. Take note of what you're working with. </h1>

Every man and every penis is different (obvs), but for hand-job purposes, you can divide them into two camps: <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19903761/circumcision/" id="31082982-f69a-3d1e-ad0d-6688ba5dea1d"> circumcised and uncircumcised </a> .

Circumcised penises (a.k.a. ones that have had the foreskin removed) are used to being touched at the tip, so you may want to spend extra time on that area, Richmond says.

Uncircumcised penises, however, can be extremely sensitive around the hood (because they're not usually exposed). So with this type, you definitely want to see how aggressively he tugs on himself before you jump in. He may not pull the foreskin down much, so take note.

<h1> 3. Use lube-always-for a good hand job. </h1>

If you haven't figured out by now that lube makes everything better, maybe you will now.

"When you're using your hands instead of your mouth or vagina, which are wet in nature, you need lubricant to minimize friction from skin-to-skin contact," Marin explains. "The hand job will become much, much smoother and easier for you and much more enjoyable for him."

Of course, you don't have to be a total traditionalist with your hand job. "There's no reason you can't use a little bit of spit to add moisture," adds Richmond. Just know that whereas spit dries/evaporates quickly, a good lube won't.

<h1> 4. Don't be afraid of pressure. </h1>

"A big 'issue' that comes up from men is that women are too delicate with the penis," Marin says. It's not really your fault: "Since the clitoris is really sensitive, we tend to approach the penis with more sensitivity than necessary. You can be a lot firmer than you think."

Of course, you don't want to squeeze your guy so hard that <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/g28008142/sexting-emoji/" id="b492a0b7-5063-3d55-ae2e-3266ee4df262"> his eggplant </a> actually turns purple. So a good way to tell? "When your partner is hard, wrap your hand around his penis and gradually increase the pressure. As you do so, have him tell you when its too much," suggests Marin.

You'll very likely be surprised by how much pressure he actually wants.

<h1> 5. Mix up your hand technique. </h1>

Chances are, your guy is used to getting himself off with a pretty straightforward up-and-down motion. (I mean, he's been doing this since, what, age 11? He's got it down pat.)

So when you're giving him a hand job, simple is better. "A lot of women get overly complicated with technique," Marin says, "which can be a little too much for him."

\"A lot of women get overly complicated with technique, which can be a little too much for him.\"

Her advice: Switch things up a bit every minute-ish. That doesn't mean stop what you're doing and restart with an entirely different type of touch, but "make a slight tweak, like using a little more pressure or going a little slower or faster," she says.

Have two or three different techniques that you can alternate, and gradually transition between them.

For example, try cupping your whole hand around the base of his penis and doing a slight twisting motion (again, with lube!) as you move his shaft up and down. Then switch to sliding just your thumb and pointer finger (imagine the "okay" hand signal) up and down his penis, faster.

Speaking of technique, one way to make him finish fast (that is sorta the goal when your arms get tired, right?) is to bring both hands to the penis party.

"He's most likely used to just using one main hand when he masturbates, so if you use two, you're adding excitement and stimulation right off the bat," Richmond notes.

Plus, using two hands shows you're really, uh, invested in giving a good performance. "He will be much more into the hand job if he can easily tell that you are, too," says Marin. (True words.)

Out of all the go-to skills in your sex repertoire, giving a hand job is likely not one that you whip out often. Not because you're totally clueless about how to handle his penis, but because sometime after high school, the good ol' HJ lost its luster.

Marissa Gainsburg

Articles written by the author

BTE—Big Truck Energy—Is The Confidence Boost You Didn't Know You Needed

10 Best Pieces Of Relationship Advice, Straight From Couples Counselors

When You Have Only One Minute To Work Out, Make This Move Your Go-To

You Can Totally Have Multiple Orgasms—And It's Easier Than You Think

'Dead Bedroom' Relationships Are Super-Common

Spooning Sex Shouldn't Be A Cop Out—Here's How To Make It Hot AF

15 Anal Sex Positions To Try, From Beginner To Advanced

10 Sex Positions For Seriously Hot Shower Sex

25 Fall Date Ideas That Put Dinner And A Movie To Shame

8 Tips For Giving The BEST Hand Job He's Ever Had

Okay, Okay—Does Sexuality Really Exist On A Spectrum?

Everything You Need To Know About Fascia

So, Exactly Which Mental Health Disorders Did Ted Bundy Have, Anyway?

Abby Lee Miller Shares A Throwback Video From Her Very First Chemotherapy Treatment

So, What Did Ted Bundy's Education Actually Look Like?

Elizabeth Holmes Just Made Another Court Appearance To Set A Possible Trial Date

9 Benefits Of Matcha Tea That Will Make You Want To Drink It Every Day

Jenna Dewan Says She's 'Hooked' On Wrestling Now, Thanks To Boyfriend Steve Kazee

Jason Biggs' Wife, Jenny Mollen, Apparently Dropped Her Son, Fracturing His Skull

Christina Milian Just Posted A Pic In A Snakeskin Bikini—And OMG Her Abs Look Amazing