To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form .
Dear Sexplain It,
My boyfriend of six years recently got an amazing modeling job for a successful brand. I'm really happy for him, and it's an amazing step in his career, but I've recently had the feeling that he has been sleeping with the photographer.
My suspicion started as something intangible, rather a feeling in my gut. But recently, he's gone out to more work happy hours than ever before, and doesn't offer up any details about where he went or who attended. (In the past, when he'd get home from work events, he'd chat up a storm about it, going into great detail.)
Another thing I can't shake is the way he handles notifications on his phone. Previously, an incoming text or email would be a conversation starter, as we share a lot of the same friends and interests. Lately, when the phone buzzes or beeps, it's an excuse to use the restroom or make a phone call to a colleague, even at unusually late hours.
Simply put, I've noticed a significant change in behavior that occurred without any reason at all. I don't want to get in the way of this opportunity, but I also don't want him cheating on me. What should I do?
Think About It
Dear Think About It,
Well, Ive thought about it, and your boyfriend is cheating on you. Im probably not supposed to say that so bluntly, given that I haven't actually confirmed it with your boyfriend, but Im inclined to believe he is. Whether its with the photographer, someone else, or something else (maybe hes a secret gambler!), I think hes cheating on you.
I dont think I need to list all the compelling evidence. You've already done that. If you were just going off a gut feeling, I would be a little more skeptical (though don't underestimate the power of a gut feeling!). But the initial gut feeling and his unusual behaviorthe lack of details about outings, excusing himself to check texts late at nightall point to infidelity.
If I'm being completely honest, I also think you know he's cheating, and you simply aren't ready to address his unfaithfulness head-on. Thats why instead of talking to your partner, youre asking me for advice.
I understand why you dont want to talk to have the Are you cheating on me? talk with your boyfriend. Right now, you can still convince yourself that maybe he isn't cheating. Once you confirm it, your relationship will change inalterably, and you'll have some tough decisions to make. Do you break up? Do you work through this? How can he gain your trust back? Maybe he actually wants to leave you for this photographer but hasnt had the couragewhat if he ups and leaves you after the cat's out of the bag? So many things can happen when you have this conversation, and none of them are fun.
A lot of people in your position don't end up calling out their partner for cheating. For one: Its just a tough talk to have. Two: They'd rather have a philandering partner than no partner at all. Three: They might feel shame for their partners actionswhich they totally shouldnt. Theyre not the one who cheated. In some cultures, spouses, especially women, are even blamed for their partners infidelity (e.g., You werent doing your wifely duties, so of course hes going to cheat). Its pretty fucked up, in my opinion.
You could push your suspicions deep down and try to carry on with your life, but I don't recommend it. I say you talk to him. I'm assuming you're not financially dependent on him (Right? I mean, he's an aspiring model...) and you didn't mention having children, so you have fewer obstacles than other folks in your shoes. And you deserve a relationship where your partner isn't cheating on you.
Still, you want be careful with how you broach the topic. You dont want to be accusatory or aggressive, but at the same time, you do want to be direct. Let him know that you believe theres a possibility that he may be cheating, and you want to put that worry to rest if hes not, or address it if he is.
For tips on having that difficult conversation, I reached out to psychotherapist , MSS, LCSW, and Founder of Whole Heart Psychotherapy . Her first recommendation is that you ask if its a good time to talk; the last thing you want is to start the conversation, only for you partner to say that he actually has to head out for a photoshoot.
Next, she suggests you proceed with some classic I feel statements. Rather than saying, "You are cheating on me, aren't you?"which is extremely accusatory, and leaves room for your partner to deny itsay something along the lines of, "I feel disconnected from you and it's making me feel worried and insecure about our relationship. The story I am telling myself is that you and the photographer are having some kind of affair. What I most want is to feel connected to you. Can you tell me if there is anything going on between you and the photographer?" "I feel" statements are effective because your partner can't deny themonly you know how you really feel!
I really like whole The story Im telling myself is that youre having an affair approach. It lets him know that you dont have the full story, you would like the full story, and youre not going to judge until you've heard the full story.
To address the other part of your original question: You're not getting in the way of any opportunity by having the conversation above. If he claims you are, he's deflecting (and giving you more proof that he's cheating, IMO). Remember, he's been acting sketchy. That's why you're having this talk. You would have never thought he was cheating if you didn't see a large and suspicious change in his behavior. So when talking to him, get rid of the idea that you're somehow hurting his career by addressing your concerns. It's simply not true.
Finally, I want you to prepare yourself to find out your boyfriend is, in fact, a cheater. Before confronting him, I would think long and hard about whether you're open to the idea of working through his infidelity. Perhaps you're open to the idea if he immediately admits it, apologizes, and explains why he's having an affair. Plenty of couples work through it.
On the flip side, you may be someone who believes that you can never reconcile with a partner who cheats. Fair enoughbut if so, I'd have your bags packed before the conversation. You should know where you plan on staying in the likely event that shit hits the fan.