When WhatsApp crashed some months ago, it dawned on many Kenyans how dependent they'd become on the green app.
It is interesting how many were restarting their phones, uninstalling and installing the App and finally flocking to other platforms after discovering that it had been a global outage.
The famous KOT (Kenyans on Twitter) battalion was seen attempting to induct the 'stranded' majority into the platform after it remained stable as the other Meta-owned apps went down.
Here are 10 types of Kenyan WhatsApp users you are likely to interact with every time you open the app.
1. A GB-sized ego
They feel as privileged as people with dimples. The mere fact that they can hide their last seen and view statuses undetected makes them feel tech savvy.
They are eagerly waiting for Meta to create a feature that will make snooping even easier. If they could type on someone else’s behalf or change someone’s profile picture, they definitely would.
2. Entitled group admins
These are the only worthy competitors to apartment building caretakers.
They wake up one morning and lock the group for only admins to send messages and feel as powerful as that caretaker does when rationing water.
They set rules like, "Don’t advertise your blue pill business here since the group is strictly for...". This is the exact same way that cocky caretaker told you - when you moved in - "only married people live here", yet everyday you lay chicks more reliably than a mother hen.
They add you to a group without your consent only to impeach you unceremoniously after having contributed to their illusionary perfect wedding.
3. Meme spammers
The only difference between them and Kevin Hart is that he does standup comedy and they paint their status walls while seated. They failed terribly in Chemistry but can’t help but diffuse memes into our inboxes like laughing gas at a dentist's chair.
4. Feelings & quotes for days!
Kevo has not sent fare, they put up a "Stingy men are so unfair and deserve to have their faces licked by the devil" status.
They get dumped and a hell of quotes breaks loose. They just can’t help but update their contacts of their every inkling via quotes.
5. Business over pleasantries
You'll never understand why WhatsApp has alerted you that you're chatting with a business number yet this person told you that was their personal number.
But all your rhetorical questions are answered when they strike at dawn, bombarding your inbox and groups with the commodities they sell as if they’re that estranged ex-lover.
6. "Bundles si shida" gang
This is that rude secretary who only rivals cranky maternity ward nurses as she’s ever on WhatsApp siphoning the company's WiFi. That geeky IT guy who you find constantly bent over his computer like a gecko would to stick to a wall. Their consistency in being online would earn them a seat as at least for them, they'd assure developments.
7. Blue Tick Ni Kuu
These users are what Nairobi women do to black Kings out here. They take you through great pains to get that number as if it were a government tender only to end up practicing Kung Fu language in their inboxes. They cannot even be conscious of one’s color blindness and their outright snubbing is served on a cold silver platter.
8. "Arise and shine" proclaimers
These users frequently share paragraphs which, if you fail to forward, woe unto you because your name will be scraped off the book of life. They think they add so much value in that work forum group by their constant "Until it’s your time, learn to clap for others" and other belaboring messages.
9. Official communicators
Whoever confirmed WhatsApp to be used as an official communication channel should be hanged with pegs. These users can send you a message for that project assignment on a weekend unaware that by the time you’re finished weekending, it'd be way too late. They expect you to censor what you post on your status wall like you're a politician looking for reelection.
10. Team "Litawachoma Sana"
She has been prescribing painkillers for the headache she thinks she gives people by posting those pictures she took during that Mombasa work retreat last June.
He has nicknamed himself "stress" because he thinks he gives women sleepless nights with the topless pictures he posts while at the gym.
They recently got engaged and their frequent posting of each other leave you recommitting yourself to kamati ya roho chafu.